编者的话
感谢神，教会准备在六月恢愎正常聚会，请大家为这事祈祷。疫苗正在大量地生产，预计在今年初秋大多数人都已接受了疫苗注射。我们能回复正常生活指日可待了！
本期文章，苍灵写的《这一年》，分享在局限里神如何开路；黄家庆写的《真理是什么呢？》，讲述真理的标准和要跟随它；Laurie 写的《感恩》，为女儿诞下小宝感恩；文娟写的《心得》，分享她不平凡的一年；小罗的《一切交托给主》，叙述写这篇文章的挣扎；璐加写的《分享》，说出疫情影响到他一家二地相隔一年期间的等候；威尔逊牧师 (Johnny Wilson) 牧师写的《在深谷中/忧郁就是失去信心吗？(Down in the Valley/Does Depression Mean I 've Lost My Faith?)》, 详述忧郁症的问题及如何面对它。
祈愿我们继续忍耐，不要放松，直到大家都接受疫苗注射后再次相聚。
本期文章，苍灵写的《这一年》，分享在局限里神如何开路；黄家庆写的《真理是什么呢？》，讲述真理的标准和要跟随它；Laurie 写的《感恩》，为女儿诞下小宝感恩；文娟写的《心得》，分享她不平凡的一年；小罗的《一切交托给主》，叙述写这篇文章的挣扎；璐加写的《分享》，说出疫情影响到他一家二地相隔一年期间的等候；威尔逊牧师 (Johnny Wilson) 牧师写的《在深谷中/忧郁就是失去信心吗？(Down in the Valley/Does Depression Mean I 've Lost My Faith?)》, 详述忧郁症的问题及如何面对它。
祈愿我们继续忍耐，不要放松，直到大家都接受疫苗注射后再次相聚。
这一年
苍灵
苍灵
疫情的阴影从去年三月开始笼罩了我们一整年。这一年间，我做了人工全髋关节置换的大手术。我成立了一个新的舞蹈团队；做了第一个“三步曲”的舞蹈视频，第二个视频现在进行中，第三个视频将在五月中旬完成。我三月底开始进修夸文化研究博士的课程。七月底主持一个舞蹈艺术节。你或者会问：“这些是否能够做得到？” 我可以跟你说：“没有我的神同在是万万不能！” 以上我所提及的都不是我刻意定下的目标；然而神的作为是我不能参透的。我只管跟着祂走，不要畏惧。当境遇不顺时，我提醒自己去倚靠我的主我的神。
《以赛亚书》40:28-31的一段经文总结了我这一年的经歴： 28 你 岂 不 曾 知 道 么 ？你 岂 不 曾 听 见 么 ？永 在 的 神 耶 和 华 ， 创 造 地 极 的 主 ， 并 不 疲 乏 ， 也 不 困 倦 ； 他 的 智 慧 无 法 测 度 。 29 疲 乏 的 ， 他 赐 能 力 ； 软 弱 的 ， 他 加 力 量 。 30 就 是 少 年 人 也 要 疲 乏 困 倦 ； 强 壮 的 也 必 全 然 跌 倒 。 31 但 那 等 候 耶 和 华 的 必 从 新 得 力 。他 们 必 如 鹰 展 翅 上 腾 ； 他 们 奔 跑 却 不 困 倦 ， 行 走 却 不 疲 乏 。
关于手术一事，本是无奈, 结果却是满满的祝福（刊在2020 Q4《 以马内利的力量》)。在手术前，我想有一段日子要休养恢愎，趁着自己还能做示范动作，便创作一个舞蹈作品，把心路歴程演译出来。拍第一个舞蹈视频那天是周五, 十一月二十日芝加哥市封锁，原来的拍摄埸地在周二通知我不开放。我心里作难，一切都准备就绪，临时要另找埸地是相当困难，全市差不多所有的舞蹈室都关门了。然而这个舞蹈拍摄不能拖延，我要做手术，而芝城解封看起来似乎遥遥无期，难道这作品要胎死腹中吗？在百般的压力下，我呼求祈祷问神：“我创作的一切灵感和动作都是从祢而来，现在怎办？” 我其中的一位演员说有一个埸地有可能会开放，叫我试问一下吧。结果顺利完成拍摄，那天回家途中，我的心很激动，是喜乐和感恩的激动。
完成了第一个作品后，“三部曲”的构思便印在心底，计划二月中旬开工。在十二月底，我决定申请神学院的博士课程。这个进修的意念在去年四月份是一闪而过，当时我没有放在心里。然而这一份渴望好像挥之不去。十一月教会网上聚会后有另一所神学院介绍其课程，我这回心动了。继而跟这所神学院的主管们聊，他们提议我去Fuller神学院就读，并跟我说他们都是Fuller的博士毕业。当时申请春季截止日期很紧张，我在短短一个星期内要提交论文纲要，申请表和找到推荐人。神印证祂的旨意，我顺利地被取录。坦白说，我从小都不爱学习。每次在家长会上的评语是「老师在讲课，你的小孩在讲话！」然而我很喜欢阅读，但大部分不是教科书那类书，我对有兴趣的书籍，就会爱不释手，我可以一个晚读完一本。求主赐我智慧和能力完成四年的研究和出一部书。
开始做第二个舞蹈视频时，一直都不顺利；包括埸地和演员等的问题，我很头痛！我有想过要放弃，甚至怀疑我是否听错神的旨意，不应该做这事。我求问神是否pull out from this dance filming (撤离这个舞蹈拍摄)，我愿意放下，也不想背这么多压力。神没有回答我，那我只有继续干我能够做的。当我面对难处时，是看不到神的路道和意念。我承认自己目光有限，唯有硬着头皮继续走下去直到神叫我停下或者开路。我疲乏和软弱时，祂会赐我能力和力量。我再一次经历祂的实在！
七月份的舞蹈艺术节开始筹划了，我最大的惊喜是一个重要的联络人竟然是我略有所认识的一位同行，想不到她也是主内的姐妹！那有这么巧合，神早已为我铺路了。
我知道接下来的几个月会面对不少的挑战、压力和艰难。面对学业、创作和教课可能会叫我透不过气来。但我深信一切都在神的手里。
有些时候，我想过优哉游哉的生活，不用面对压力；养尊处优多幸福啊！我回想这一年来的经歴，在各样局限当中每次看到神开路，那份恩喜远胜舒逸无忧的生活。我仍在学习每一刻、每一天经历神，沐浴在祂丰盛的慈爱里。
《以赛亚书》40:28-31的一段经文总结了我这一年的经歴： 28 你 岂 不 曾 知 道 么 ？你 岂 不 曾 听 见 么 ？永 在 的 神 耶 和 华 ， 创 造 地 极 的 主 ， 并 不 疲 乏 ， 也 不 困 倦 ； 他 的 智 慧 无 法 测 度 。 29 疲 乏 的 ， 他 赐 能 力 ； 软 弱 的 ， 他 加 力 量 。 30 就 是 少 年 人 也 要 疲 乏 困 倦 ； 强 壮 的 也 必 全 然 跌 倒 。 31 但 那 等 候 耶 和 华 的 必 从 新 得 力 。他 们 必 如 鹰 展 翅 上 腾 ； 他 们 奔 跑 却 不 困 倦 ， 行 走 却 不 疲 乏 。
关于手术一事，本是无奈, 结果却是满满的祝福（刊在2020 Q4《 以马内利的力量》)。在手术前，我想有一段日子要休养恢愎，趁着自己还能做示范动作，便创作一个舞蹈作品，把心路歴程演译出来。拍第一个舞蹈视频那天是周五, 十一月二十日芝加哥市封锁，原来的拍摄埸地在周二通知我不开放。我心里作难，一切都准备就绪，临时要另找埸地是相当困难，全市差不多所有的舞蹈室都关门了。然而这个舞蹈拍摄不能拖延，我要做手术，而芝城解封看起来似乎遥遥无期，难道这作品要胎死腹中吗？在百般的压力下，我呼求祈祷问神：“我创作的一切灵感和动作都是从祢而来，现在怎办？” 我其中的一位演员说有一个埸地有可能会开放，叫我试问一下吧。结果顺利完成拍摄，那天回家途中，我的心很激动，是喜乐和感恩的激动。
完成了第一个作品后，“三部曲”的构思便印在心底，计划二月中旬开工。在十二月底，我决定申请神学院的博士课程。这个进修的意念在去年四月份是一闪而过，当时我没有放在心里。然而这一份渴望好像挥之不去。十一月教会网上聚会后有另一所神学院介绍其课程，我这回心动了。继而跟这所神学院的主管们聊，他们提议我去Fuller神学院就读，并跟我说他们都是Fuller的博士毕业。当时申请春季截止日期很紧张，我在短短一个星期内要提交论文纲要，申请表和找到推荐人。神印证祂的旨意，我顺利地被取录。坦白说，我从小都不爱学习。每次在家长会上的评语是「老师在讲课，你的小孩在讲话！」然而我很喜欢阅读，但大部分不是教科书那类书，我对有兴趣的书籍，就会爱不释手，我可以一个晚读完一本。求主赐我智慧和能力完成四年的研究和出一部书。
开始做第二个舞蹈视频时，一直都不顺利；包括埸地和演员等的问题，我很头痛！我有想过要放弃，甚至怀疑我是否听错神的旨意，不应该做这事。我求问神是否pull out from this dance filming (撤离这个舞蹈拍摄)，我愿意放下，也不想背这么多压力。神没有回答我，那我只有继续干我能够做的。当我面对难处时，是看不到神的路道和意念。我承认自己目光有限，唯有硬着头皮继续走下去直到神叫我停下或者开路。我疲乏和软弱时，祂会赐我能力和力量。我再一次经历祂的实在！
七月份的舞蹈艺术节开始筹划了，我最大的惊喜是一个重要的联络人竟然是我略有所认识的一位同行，想不到她也是主内的姐妹！那有这么巧合，神早已为我铺路了。
我知道接下来的几个月会面对不少的挑战、压力和艰难。面对学业、创作和教课可能会叫我透不过气来。但我深信一切都在神的手里。
有些时候，我想过优哉游哉的生活，不用面对压力；养尊处优多幸福啊！我回想这一年来的经歴，在各样局限当中每次看到神开路，那份恩喜远胜舒逸无忧的生活。我仍在学习每一刻、每一天经历神，沐浴在祂丰盛的慈爱里。
真理是什么呢？
黄家庆
黄家庆
犹太官长定了耶稣的罪之后，因权限无法判他死刑，就将他押往罗马总督彼拉多前。 （约18:31）在彼拉多审问耶稣的时候，他要查清他的罪名，就重复问他，“你是犹太人的王吗？”“你是王吗？”耶稣说，”你说我是王，我为此而生，也为此来到世间，特为给真理作见证，凡属真理的人就听我的话。”彼拉多就问，“真理是什么呢？”（约18:33-38）。
约翰福音的记载跟其他三卷福音书很多不同，因为约翰写他的福音书的时候，其他三卷书已经流传很广，所以他写的是其他作品没有㝍的，而且在他老年经过很多思考经历之后，又在圣灵引导下写了最神学性的福音书。多年前三一神学院的新约教授鲍维均博士在我们教会的退修会讲约𨌺福音的时候，说1:14是关于耶稣最重要的形容，“道成了肉身，住在我们中间，充充满满地有恩典有真理…”英文圣经新国际版及新美国版都是说他充满了恩典和真理，“…full of grace and truth.” 约翰福音也是“真理”一词出现最多的新约书卷，加上约翰的书信，“真理”出现的次数比旧约出现最多的诗篇还多，可见约翰对“真理”的重视。“真理”在约翰福音中出现的第一次就是以上的1:14，第二次是1:17，“律法本是借着摩西传的，恩典和真理都是由耶稣基督来的。” 而最后一次就是在以上彼拉多的问题中。在充满真理的主耶稣面前，彼拉多这高官竟然不知道真理是什么，他虽然对犹太人再三的说“我查不出他有什么罪来”（18:38，19:4，6）最后还是将耶稣交给他们去钉十字架（19:16）。这就是不公义的政客的态度及行为。
今天大多数的政客不也一样吗？真理是什么呢？人真是不能分辨真假吗？还是不愿意接受真相？几年前才知道现在已经不是后现代主义（postmodernism)而是后真理(post-truth)时代了，人们相信自己所喜欢的就可以了。现在已经是假消息疫情的时代，比新冠疫情更可怕，我们要如何去面对呢？耶稣对彼拉多说，“凡属真理的人就听我的话。”（18:37）他又对信他的犹太人说过，“你们若常常遵守我的道，就真是我的门徒，你们必晓得真理，真理必叫你们得以自由”（8:31，32）。主也对门徒门说，“我就是（唯一的）道路，真理，生命，若不借着我，没有人能到父那里去。”（14:6）在最后晚餐后，主为门徒祷告祈求天父“求你用真理使他们成圣，你的道就是真理………我为他们的原故，自己分别为圣，叫他们也因真理成圣。”（17:17-19）愿我们明白真理，跟随真理的主，得着真正的自由。
约翰福音的记载跟其他三卷福音书很多不同，因为约翰写他的福音书的时候，其他三卷书已经流传很广，所以他写的是其他作品没有㝍的，而且在他老年经过很多思考经历之后，又在圣灵引导下写了最神学性的福音书。多年前三一神学院的新约教授鲍维均博士在我们教会的退修会讲约𨌺福音的时候，说1:14是关于耶稣最重要的形容，“道成了肉身，住在我们中间，充充满满地有恩典有真理…”英文圣经新国际版及新美国版都是说他充满了恩典和真理，“…full of grace and truth.” 约翰福音也是“真理”一词出现最多的新约书卷，加上约翰的书信，“真理”出现的次数比旧约出现最多的诗篇还多，可见约翰对“真理”的重视。“真理”在约翰福音中出现的第一次就是以上的1:14，第二次是1:17，“律法本是借着摩西传的，恩典和真理都是由耶稣基督来的。” 而最后一次就是在以上彼拉多的问题中。在充满真理的主耶稣面前，彼拉多这高官竟然不知道真理是什么，他虽然对犹太人再三的说“我查不出他有什么罪来”（18:38，19:4，6）最后还是将耶稣交给他们去钉十字架（19:16）。这就是不公义的政客的态度及行为。
今天大多数的政客不也一样吗？真理是什么呢？人真是不能分辨真假吗？还是不愿意接受真相？几年前才知道现在已经不是后现代主义（postmodernism)而是后真理(post-truth)时代了，人们相信自己所喜欢的就可以了。现在已经是假消息疫情的时代，比新冠疫情更可怕，我们要如何去面对呢？耶稣对彼拉多说，“凡属真理的人就听我的话。”（18:37）他又对信他的犹太人说过，“你们若常常遵守我的道，就真是我的门徒，你们必晓得真理，真理必叫你们得以自由”（8:31，32）。主也对门徒门说，“我就是（唯一的）道路，真理，生命，若不借着我，没有人能到父那里去。”（14:6）在最后晚餐后，主为门徒祷告祈求天父“求你用真理使他们成圣，你的道就是真理………我为他们的原故，自己分别为圣，叫他们也因真理成圣。”（17:17-19）愿我们明白真理，跟随真理的主，得着真正的自由。
感恩
Laurie
Laurie
疫情困扰了我们一年多了，这一年经历了许多不同的恩典，神赐下宝贵的话语让我们刚强壮胆向前走，让我们更加知道神是自有永有的，不会因为环境的改变而改变的，是唯一可以信赖的。神使人有聪明智慧发明了疫苗来対抗病毒，这全是神的大能，神的奇妙恩典。
更加感恩的事，一月二十八日晚上收到大女儿的电，因为疫情的原因，他们夫妇早上进行核酸检测报告呈阴性，晚上就入院待产，那天晚上刚好有粤语祈祷会，弟兄姐妹一起为了我的女儿来祈祷，感谢弟兄姊妹们的的同心祷告，第二天收到女婿来电说八点多，女儿平安顺利诞下婴儿，母子平安，这全部都是神奇妙的安排和祷告的力量，感谢神听我们的祷告，愿荣耀归于神！衪是赐平安和健康的神！我们的一切都是神所赐的，感谢赞美神!
更加感恩的事，一月二十八日晚上收到大女儿的电，因为疫情的原因，他们夫妇早上进行核酸检测报告呈阴性，晚上就入院待产，那天晚上刚好有粤语祈祷会，弟兄姐妹一起为了我的女儿来祈祷，感谢弟兄姊妹们的的同心祷告，第二天收到女婿来电说八点多，女儿平安顺利诞下婴儿，母子平安，这全部都是神奇妙的安排和祷告的力量，感谢神听我们的祷告，愿荣耀归于神！衪是赐平安和健康的神！我们的一切都是神所赐的，感谢赞美神!
心得
文娟
文娟
2020年真的是不平凡的一年。这一年当中大大小小事情发生很多。刚步入2020年时我已经工作整一年，我们刚放假便爆发了新冠疫情。我们赶在武汉封城前离开了武汉，回到了娘家山西，一呆便是一百天。再次回到武汉已是五一，春暖花开了。过年在家还计划着开年后给公公买一套小户型房子，这样公公退休了可以安心养老，家人也可以多团聚一下。
没过多久公公打电话过来说有点不舒服，我们急忙把他接到家里来，带去医院做检查。我们都觉得应当没什么事情，毕竟公公平素身体也健康。等拿到检查结果的时候，医生说是恶性肿瘤并且属于晚期。听到这个消息我跟国栋都有点难以置信，心情很低落。公公才61岁，刚退休半年，辛苦了大半辈子，刚开始准备享受晚年生活，就得了重病。我们也不愿意告知公公，怕他有心理负担，仅仅告诉他做完手术就好了。由于急需手术，便托导师推荐了一个不错的医生，手术做完已是7月份。手术做的非常成功，所有肿瘤组织全部切除。国栋在医院照顾公公。我在家带2个小孩，公公出院后医生嘱咐好好休养一段时间，我们便悉心照料他的饮食起居。
两个月后，公公说伤口没有长好，并且总感觉到痛，我们再次去医院检查，医生说癌细胞已经全身转移，接下来便安排了第一疗程的化疗。化疗一次后，他整个人的状态便大不如前，等到第二次化疗的时候，医生说公公身体已经不适合化疗了，太虚弱了。只能输营养液，期间亲友都来探望公公，陪伴他最后一段时间，我们也尽力满足他的要求和愿望。
两个月后公公很安详的走了。这半年时间我们虽然很辛苦，但是感恩一切都有神的眷顾，神知道我们还是年轻人，不懂这些习俗，安排了善良的舅妈一路帮我们张罗，料理后事。今年春节我们在家守丧，亲戚们也都来探望我们，安慰我们。虽然地上的父不在了，但天上的父却依然爱着我们。地上的时日总是短暂的，在神那里才有永恒。
过去的一年虽有眼泪、担忧，但神也一直看顾我们，保守我们全家人的健康。两个孩子已慢慢长大，每天和自己的玩伴一起快乐成长。国栋也申请到了国家优秀青年基金，这既是对在美国将近5年科研成果的一种肯定，也提供了一个更高的平台，可以支持未来10年的科研规划。我自己也一切安好，做好本职工作后陪伴照顾好家人。虽然有时会因小事烦躁，此时一个声音总在提醒我“神的恩典够我用”。
新的一年，希望疫情尽快过去，线下聚会能够尽快恢复，感觉自己已经迫不及待要去教会做礼拜，聆听神的话语。也希望神能够赐给我们一个适合的小组让我们夫妻二人，两个孩子都能够得到喂养，沐浴在神的爱中。
没过多久公公打电话过来说有点不舒服，我们急忙把他接到家里来，带去医院做检查。我们都觉得应当没什么事情，毕竟公公平素身体也健康。等拿到检查结果的时候，医生说是恶性肿瘤并且属于晚期。听到这个消息我跟国栋都有点难以置信，心情很低落。公公才61岁，刚退休半年，辛苦了大半辈子，刚开始准备享受晚年生活，就得了重病。我们也不愿意告知公公，怕他有心理负担，仅仅告诉他做完手术就好了。由于急需手术，便托导师推荐了一个不错的医生，手术做完已是7月份。手术做的非常成功，所有肿瘤组织全部切除。国栋在医院照顾公公。我在家带2个小孩，公公出院后医生嘱咐好好休养一段时间，我们便悉心照料他的饮食起居。
两个月后，公公说伤口没有长好，并且总感觉到痛，我们再次去医院检查，医生说癌细胞已经全身转移，接下来便安排了第一疗程的化疗。化疗一次后，他整个人的状态便大不如前，等到第二次化疗的时候，医生说公公身体已经不适合化疗了，太虚弱了。只能输营养液，期间亲友都来探望公公，陪伴他最后一段时间，我们也尽力满足他的要求和愿望。
两个月后公公很安详的走了。这半年时间我们虽然很辛苦，但是感恩一切都有神的眷顾，神知道我们还是年轻人，不懂这些习俗，安排了善良的舅妈一路帮我们张罗，料理后事。今年春节我们在家守丧，亲戚们也都来探望我们，安慰我们。虽然地上的父不在了，但天上的父却依然爱着我们。地上的时日总是短暂的，在神那里才有永恒。
过去的一年虽有眼泪、担忧，但神也一直看顾我们，保守我们全家人的健康。两个孩子已慢慢长大，每天和自己的玩伴一起快乐成长。国栋也申请到了国家优秀青年基金，这既是对在美国将近5年科研成果的一种肯定，也提供了一个更高的平台，可以支持未来10年的科研规划。我自己也一切安好，做好本职工作后陪伴照顾好家人。虽然有时会因小事烦躁，此时一个声音总在提醒我“神的恩典够我用”。
新的一年，希望疫情尽快过去，线下聚会能够尽快恢复，感觉自己已经迫不及待要去教会做礼拜，聆听神的话语。也希望神能够赐给我们一个适合的小组让我们夫妻二人，两个孩子都能够得到喂养，沐浴在神的爱中。
一切交托给主
小罗
小罗
接到G姐的通知说要我们回国的弟兄姐妹们分享下自己国内的近况。感觉很是惭愧，不知道该从哪方面来进行分享，就简简单单的回忆下自己这两年的一些感受吧。
时间真的过得飞快，静静的回想，自己在美国度过的那段难以忘却的时光。仍然记得刚到芝加哥那个夏日阳光明媚的下午，陆弟兄领着我坐公交到埃文斯顿，他穿着秋季的外套，我穿着短袖；也记得第一次到教会礼拜，王牧师讲道，主题是悔改，陆弟兄听后决志了，我差点睡着了；也还记得自己刚拿到驾照，凌晨4、5点钟独自一人开车到芝加哥南部 J Park参加人生中第一次马拉松，去参赛路上的紧张与完赛后回家的喜悦经常在自己脑海里浮现；不能忘，2018年8月5日我受洗成为一名基督徒，那天是紧张、担忧也是充满着喜悦；不能忘，有一次去N姐家查完经回家的路上，突然抬头看到远方的一轮圆月，在夜空的照耀下是那么的透亮干净，心中却是五味杂陈；不能忘，离开芝加哥的那一天，天灰蒙蒙的，和朋友们告完别，不舍。那一年，酸甜苦辣，欢聚离别，生活就是这样，平淡却充满滋味。
回国后很快就遇到了这场举世罕见的新冠疫情，武汉成为全世界的中心，我们的常规生活都被打乱。疫情开始的日子，同事们一个个的被感染，防护物资奇缺，那么多的人得不到及时的医治，不知道自己到底有没有中招，在隔离的那段日子里这种对未来一种未知的恐惧时时围绕在心头。后来由于疫情的严重，武汉举世罕见的封城，每天要为吃什么喝什么担心害怕。很快武汉的疫情得到了很好的控制，一年以来武汉疫情没有出现大的反弹，一切基本回归正常。这一年，太快，太复杂，不知道用什么词来形容。
我在回想，这两年以来这种剧烈的变动，究竟给我带来了什么。前几天，我科室一弟兄发我一个链接，里面讲到了上帝与亚伯拉罕立下的约“你和你的后裔必世世代代遵守我的约。”（《创世纪》17：9）。我和主立下的约是什么呢？我突然想到，在祷告时对主所说的一句话：一切交托在主的手中，求主的保守。回想在疫情的那段时间，我在没有充足防护装备的情况下，多次与新冠病人密切接触，后来也安全无事，非常不可思议。原来我们与主立好了约，一切只需交托给他，活在主的旨意里，不必忧虑。正如《诗篇》37篇5节：“当将你的事交托耶和华，并倚靠祂，祂就必成全。”
就像在接到G姐通知要我写一篇分享的文章，我抓耳挠腮，不知道写什么，本身自己也不是一个善于写文章的人，也想过拒绝，因为最近在准备一个很重要的考试，时间很紧，但是之前已经答应了也不好反悔，我就向主祷告：一切交托在祂的手中，求主的保守。
以上是我的一些小小的感想，分享予兄弟姊妹，最后求主保守大家平安喜乐，把一切交托在主的手中！阿们！
时间真的过得飞快，静静的回想，自己在美国度过的那段难以忘却的时光。仍然记得刚到芝加哥那个夏日阳光明媚的下午，陆弟兄领着我坐公交到埃文斯顿，他穿着秋季的外套，我穿着短袖；也记得第一次到教会礼拜，王牧师讲道，主题是悔改，陆弟兄听后决志了，我差点睡着了；也还记得自己刚拿到驾照，凌晨4、5点钟独自一人开车到芝加哥南部 J Park参加人生中第一次马拉松，去参赛路上的紧张与完赛后回家的喜悦经常在自己脑海里浮现；不能忘，2018年8月5日我受洗成为一名基督徒，那天是紧张、担忧也是充满着喜悦；不能忘，有一次去N姐家查完经回家的路上，突然抬头看到远方的一轮圆月，在夜空的照耀下是那么的透亮干净，心中却是五味杂陈；不能忘，离开芝加哥的那一天，天灰蒙蒙的，和朋友们告完别，不舍。那一年，酸甜苦辣，欢聚离别，生活就是这样，平淡却充满滋味。
回国后很快就遇到了这场举世罕见的新冠疫情，武汉成为全世界的中心，我们的常规生活都被打乱。疫情开始的日子，同事们一个个的被感染，防护物资奇缺，那么多的人得不到及时的医治，不知道自己到底有没有中招，在隔离的那段日子里这种对未来一种未知的恐惧时时围绕在心头。后来由于疫情的严重，武汉举世罕见的封城，每天要为吃什么喝什么担心害怕。很快武汉的疫情得到了很好的控制，一年以来武汉疫情没有出现大的反弹，一切基本回归正常。这一年，太快，太复杂，不知道用什么词来形容。
我在回想，这两年以来这种剧烈的变动，究竟给我带来了什么。前几天，我科室一弟兄发我一个链接，里面讲到了上帝与亚伯拉罕立下的约“你和你的后裔必世世代代遵守我的约。”（《创世纪》17：9）。我和主立下的约是什么呢？我突然想到，在祷告时对主所说的一句话：一切交托在主的手中，求主的保守。回想在疫情的那段时间，我在没有充足防护装备的情况下，多次与新冠病人密切接触，后来也安全无事，非常不可思议。原来我们与主立好了约，一切只需交托给他，活在主的旨意里，不必忧虑。正如《诗篇》37篇5节：“当将你的事交托耶和华，并倚靠祂，祂就必成全。”
就像在接到G姐通知要我写一篇分享的文章，我抓耳挠腮，不知道写什么，本身自己也不是一个善于写文章的人，也想过拒绝，因为最近在准备一个很重要的考试，时间很紧，但是之前已经答应了也不好反悔，我就向主祷告：一切交托在祂的手中，求主的保守。
以上是我的一些小小的感想，分享予兄弟姊妹，最后求主保守大家平安喜乐，把一切交托在主的手中！阿们！
分享
路加
路加
弟兄姐妹平安！很想念大家！一晃眼离开大家已经14个月了，这14个月以来发生太多的事，恍如隔世。我们一家在2020年1月份回到上海以后，我便一个人前往新西兰去找房子安顿家。好不容易在租房竞争极为激烈的情况下找到了一个临时住所，然后又花了很多努力找到了一个适合全家居住的房子，正准备迎接家人的到来，不料新冠疫情全球肆虐，新西兰也关闭了边境。
在和家人分开的时间里，我时刻关注边境管控的政策，并寻求一切可以和家人团聚的方法。在不断的盼望、尝试、和失望的循环往复中，不知不觉2020年即将过去。12月底，我终于回到了上海与家人团聚。如今我们全家都已经拿到了入境许可。我和Michelle打算在3月中旬在上海接种新冠疫苗，到4月底带者孩子们一起去新西兰。
感谢神在我们去一年中的指引和同在，也感谢神在我们不断地盼望和等候中终于让我们全家得以团聚。2020年对我们，和对很多的弟兄姐妹来说可能都是非常困难的一年。我想也借此机会与大家分享我们在困难中的盼望和等候。
我的外婆是个老基督徒，她总说：一天的日子一天过，神总有祂的大计划，我们要做的就是耐心等候。正如《耶利米哀歌》3：25中所写的那样：凡等候耶和华，心里寻求祂的，耶和华必施恩给他。在等候神的同时，也不住的祷告：要常常喜乐，不住的祷告，凡事谢恩，因为这是神在基督耶稣里向你们所定的旨意。（《帖撒罗尼迦前书》5：16-18）前面的路未知，但是相信与主同行，祂就是我们的盾牌，我们的力量，我们什么都不必惧怕。愿所做所行所说的都能讨神的喜悦，放下自己，降低降低再降低，好叫神的一切的旨意都能行在我们之上。
愿2021年神与兄弟姐妹们同在，与怀恩堂同在。也祝兄弟姐妹们在牛年牛气冲天，福气满满。
在和家人分开的时间里，我时刻关注边境管控的政策，并寻求一切可以和家人团聚的方法。在不断的盼望、尝试、和失望的循环往复中，不知不觉2020年即将过去。12月底，我终于回到了上海与家人团聚。如今我们全家都已经拿到了入境许可。我和Michelle打算在3月中旬在上海接种新冠疫苗，到4月底带者孩子们一起去新西兰。
感谢神在我们去一年中的指引和同在，也感谢神在我们不断地盼望和等候中终于让我们全家得以团聚。2020年对我们，和对很多的弟兄姐妹来说可能都是非常困难的一年。我想也借此机会与大家分享我们在困难中的盼望和等候。
我的外婆是个老基督徒，她总说：一天的日子一天过，神总有祂的大计划，我们要做的就是耐心等候。正如《耶利米哀歌》3：25中所写的那样：凡等候耶和华，心里寻求祂的，耶和华必施恩给他。在等候神的同时，也不住的祷告：要常常喜乐，不住的祷告，凡事谢恩，因为这是神在基督耶稣里向你们所定的旨意。（《帖撒罗尼迦前书》5：16-18）前面的路未知，但是相信与主同行，祂就是我们的盾牌，我们的力量，我们什么都不必惧怕。愿所做所行所说的都能讨神的喜悦，放下自己，降低降低再降低，好叫神的一切的旨意都能行在我们之上。
愿2021年神与兄弟姐妹们同在，与怀恩堂同在。也祝兄弟姐妹们在牛年牛气冲天，福气满满。
在深谷中/忧郁就是失去信心吗？
威尔逊 牧师 著 黄家庆 译
威尔逊 牧师 著 黄家庆 译
很多人以为一个有真正信心的人不可能经历忧郁，他们的理由是因为圣灵所结的果子包括喜乐和平安，所以我们不会伤心或情感波动。那些人不明白圣经。我在2019年6月的季刊中写过有关忧郁的文章，但我因怯懦而以“沮丧”名之。在那文中我写的原则也适用于忧郁，我也是从个人经历中与大家分享。
我知道神掌管一切而祂是全能的，但有时候我深信我是在阻碍神的计划而不是作为成就祂计划的器皿。我承认我曾经在深渊里自问：“有什么用呢？”我承认我曾怀疑我的生命有价值吗？虽然神已赐给我很好的经验及让我成就了许多我想作的事。在我生命中有几次我觉得在流沙中浮沉，我想若真的沉下去就不需要再挣扎了。
一个犹太朋友对我的低潮挑战，他强调（真正是亵渎的）我在我的行业中是很重要的，也是人人都认识的。但他不知道他所见到我成功的每一件事，我却感觉是在假装。他也不知道他看到我成就的每一件事后面，我觉得有一百万件事我不敢或无力去尝试。我的基督徒朋友们更差劲，他们会说一些像'神真好，永远都好'的话，但我只想到的是神虽然是好，但我却不很好；甚至当我想得到神的恩典时，我也觉得不配。
或者读者中也有人不明白，我想牧师Henri Nouwen所写的最淸楚：“我深信每一个人的苦痛是没有其他人可以感受到的。”（Life of the Beloved, p.87)你不能从你的角度看到我为什么会在忧郁中受苦（是真的受苦），就正如我不能从我的角度明白你在你的痛苦、失去、怀疑、或不安全时所感受到的。
在世上很多人认为忧郁是自怜，是假病。在美国南部有一个医生的感受被一同事漠视了，后者说（我是直接用他的话，虽然我不想）：“忧郁？地狱，小子，那是弱者的病！”(Kathy Cronkite, On the Edge of Darkness: Conversations About Conquering Depression, p. 79).
我知道言语不是伤口的膏药，正如瑞士心理学家Paul Tournier 所写：“你不能用字典来释放心灵。我们是面对生命；生命是被承受及感觉而不是被思想的东西。”（Guilt and Grace,p. 92) 但是言语仍然是可以表达我们关切的登陆滩。言语固然不足，但仍可以稍微表示我们的所在及去向。
我说过圣经清楚什么是忧郁，虽然它没有说亚伯兰忧郁及放弃地对神说他接受了大马色人以利以谢是承受他家业的，但他好像是说：“那有什么分别呢？”。当以利亚从耶洗别那里逃跑时，他是以为他的有效事工已经完蛋而向神求死（《王上》19:35）。他刚刚参予了一个最惊人的神迹，但恐惧及绝望使他逃跑，幸好他本能使他正确地跑向神的山。
我与以利亚有同感，不是因为神在我的事工上行过神迹，而是因为我感受到他那种当你以为神用你产生了一个突破而那突破却好像没有作用的感觉。以利亚刚才从天召火下来烧掉了被水湿透的祭牲（闪电的地缘？），又绝对的羞辱（并处死）了对抗他的巴力先知们。当耶洗别王后发出要杀他的命令时，他一定想“有什么用？”，虽然神以神迹肯定了他，但他仍然觉得他树敌太多。
我称这为高山-低谷综合症，有些人听过我讲过这样的道，就是好像我们在山峰上看到一切都很清楚，知道如何前去时却突然间又经验到很困难的低谷。当你以为前途渺茫、四面群山环绕很难攀登时，你很容易就会觉得举步唯艰。
在这主题下，我们再看一个个例子。摩西在没烧毁的荆棘前被神差派，但他下山告诉家人他要作什么事的时候，何事发生呢？不多久他的太太就生气，割了他儿子的阳皮并将这血淋淋的东西丢到他脚下。他想要行神的旨意，但随之而来的是愤怒诅咒的妻子及被割下（虽说是圣洁）的一片血肉。他去到埃及将神的信息传递了，法老却用他的权力使以色列人的处境更加艰难。从《出埃及记》5:23我们可以看到摩西对他的使命的感受，主要是：“我作了你要我作的，而事情反而更糟糕了！”我怀疑摩西会继续有劲，但他仍按照神的命令去行。他每次都被法老拒绝，甚至在红海前百姓指控他要带他们死在旷野。 （《出》14:10-12）在旷野漂流不久，摩西就举起双手向神问他可以作什么呢？因为百姓想要杀他。 （《出》17:4）百姓好像用任何借口去攻击摩西。若我是摩西，我相当确定会留在帐幕里或在山上而不会跟那些经常在路旁抨击我的人在一起。我们见到摩西的绝望但看不到他的忧郁，我相信这肯定存在，但我想他只是紧抓着神而继续坚持下去，虽然他会埋怨及愤怒。
一个研究院的同学得着我渴求的奖学金，他还与一教授合作写书，更在比我好的周末教会任职。他的长处如高山，他应该觉得前途无限。但当他预备博士学位面试时，他看到的高山是，每个教授都可以在各个半日考试中提问任何问题，这令他感到非常大的压力，叫他寸步难行。他进了精神病院一段时间，他出院之后陆续返回家中及教会，但没有回去继续他的博士课程。为什么这么难？他所看到的前途，本会给他光明及喜乐的目标，如今却竟然变得难以达到。我所知的是，他后来觉得牧会及家庭更能给他喜乐，而无能及绝望的感觉令他放弃他的雄心壮志。
再回到圣经的人物，约伯又怎样呢？他什么都有：财富，名声，家庭，及（最少是‘好景时的）朋友。他被人看为是信心的模范。但到了第三章他就有自杀的念头了。他诅咒自己的生日，又愿自己没被生下来（3:3，11，16，23）请特别留意23节中什么都曾有的约伯问神为什么会给他生命，然后又令他四面受困呢！ 。
这也是我的神学教职之门因宗派政治而被（暂时）关闭时我对神呼召的感觉。我做了一切应做的：我从学生们的反应知道我的教学非常有效，但是好像我一生多年所投资的结果是个死胡同。我退缩，我尝试不再事奉，我想自杀，我更进一步到忧郁的另一原因——羞耻。
但我们不要忘了可怜的约伯。他如何能得以回到正常状态呢？他面对神，但在这之前，他要先听取那些从神秘主义出发的辩论，说他需要更多寻求神；他听到从历史的角度来思考人力能改变事情；他也听到传统宗教的论点，说他只要认罪就会好过一些。他在三十多章中站稳自己的立场跟他们辩论，他诚实的抗议及反驳，他指控那些来安慰他的人使情况更糟糕。我相信他若活在今天，很多教会的’好‘会友会远避他，但神却看他宝贵，要将他从下滑的旋涡中救上来。面对神的真实，甚至是以风暴等自然现象化妆的背后，是不容易的，但神却把他救活了。对某些人来说，罪疚感可能是忧郁的原因之一，甚至是不自觉的，可能只是觉得没有尽上对某人或某群体的责任。对另一些人而言，会是羞耻之心。在此我想很简短的分辨罪感及耻感的不同，Kathy Escobar 曾在一本有关的灵修书引述Brene Brown 所说的：“罪感是'我做了不好的事'，而耻感则是'我不好'”。 “（A Weary World: Reflections of a Blue Christmas, p.42).
若你仔细的读，很多诗篇是以描述绝望及忧郁的情景开始但以宽恕及拯救的确据作结束，诗人好像找到了稳固的立足点，例如在69篇诗人写着：你，你完全知道我如何被辱骂，我的羞耻和我的侮辱，我的所有敌人都在你的面前，（20）辱骂伤透了我的意志（心），我很不适；于是我寻求安慰，但找不到，我寻找安慰者，但也找不着（21）。 （按Pastor Johnny的翻译）
但最后诗人应许要赞美感谢神，他心中大概不会觉得好很多，但他作了一个明确的决定要专注于神且相信神会帮助。这是这类诗篇中重复出现的，这也是约拿在大鱼里面祷告的模式。 （《拿》2）。
但是我们不能说一句好像汽车保护杠贴纸上说的‘耶稣是答案’就了事。正如Escobar很好的分享：”虽然我相信耶稣是伟大的羞耻毁灭者，那样的回应常常会增加羞耻并意味着若我们行得对就不会有那些感觉了，但情况不是那么简单。要解除羞耻的初步方法之一是诚实，跟一些安全的人承认它的存在，这些人不会改造你，不会轻视事实，也不会论断你。“（p.43)
能讲出我们的感受跟在教会中所说的认罪很相近。不幸的是认罪是包含了承认我们的罪的思想。这是一部分，但我们也要公开承认我们与神的关系（不应该是负面的）。这也应包括分享我们的感受（可以是正面或负面的，但不应被审断）。
当我以前看自己是失败者的时候，我最不想要的是另一个牧师给我的辅导，我也不相信要见一个所谓基督徒的辅导员，因为我认识一个人，当他正要超越一个道德问题时，他的所谓基督徒辅导员突然决定他的道德责任（但职业道德上是不可以的）是要跟一个当地的牧师（不是他个人的牧师）说出他的道德问题。就这样，我的朋友被击碎了，不能完全恢复过来。这也毁了他的家，更没有给神动工的时间（神已经在他的生命中工作）
家父是我永不相信他会认同世俗精神病医生的人，但当他知道我不会去找同道,会友,或基督徒辅导员来解决我的心理问题时，他说：“我儿，或许你需要药物。去找神为你预备的帮助不是羞耻的事情。”。
最讽刺的是我找到的精神科医生是一个信徒而他明白我的感受。可幸的是他的教会背景与我不同，所以他完全不认识我的同僚们。他给我药物，帮助我太活跃的脑袋静下来维持平衡。但在我接受药物的帮助之前，我需要说出我的问题。我觉得我是假冒的，无法继续下去了，情况好像我扔了太多碟子在空中而不能一一接住，以致碟子都在我四周摔碎了，然后我觉得自己无能，感到羞愧，无法继续活动。当我开始承认我会被气候,工作量,期望,自觉不足及无助的情绪影响时，我就可以看清楚我每天除了这些因素之外，我可以如何达到我想要活出的自己。我的问题是我看不清我的去向的整个图景，以致我往内里坍塌。我只是勇敢地做这做那，赶交这赶交那，但永不觉得有掌控权。
所以要脱离忧郁的第一步是诚实地说出你自己的无能、羞耻、挫败及不能活动的感觉。正如Kathy Cronkite (前新闻报导员及忧郁症患者的女儿）所写的：”我们不能退缩，保持静默就是增长痛苦⋯”(p.82).
第二步是开始找出你能掌控的一些小事情，这是我的信仰能够帮助我的地方。很多诗篇哀歌最后是讃美感谢或宽恕，这不是偶然的。我不能立刻改变我的无助感，但我可以选择说出赞美感谢的话。赞美和感谢是你的选择，不是感觉，但你会诧异你说出来的话有时会令你的情绪变得有劲，也令你的内腓肽出来应付你的情绪的痛苦。
不要担心，这不是Pastor Johnny 在卖膏药，也不是Dr. Johnny 的万能疗法，这只是让问题回归正轨的一部分。
第三步是诊断出那些令你不开心的无关紧要的东西，然后找出如何减少它们的方法。对信徒而言，这是祷告过程的一部分。古老的词汇就是‘洞察’，意思是分辨好坏，圣洁与否，有用或有害等，基督徒相信圣灵会帮助我们分辨。
第四步是重新发现你的福气。什么真正对你有作用呢？我读过一个故事是有关一个电视名喜剧明星的，她的夫婿自杀了。她察觉他出问题是他停止了阅读。他以前很喜欢阅读，但他突然停止了。一个常看电影的人突然不看电影，一个歌者不再去唱诗班，一个演员不去试演，一个牧师不再讲道，一个作家不再写作,一个美食家不再关心饮食，一个高尔夫球能手不再打高尔夫球，一个健身人士不再去健身室
…… 这些都是忧郁症的症状。重新发现你的福气就是重新发现你所喜爱的，无论是什么，然后找时间去做。
第五步是找一些有意义的事情。对信徒而言，是找出我们的属灵恩赐及怎样能用在神的国度里的才能。我们可以如何分享神的爱？我们可以如何帮助别人？什么工作能叫我们满足又能帮助人的需要？
Sir Winston Churchill 有抑郁的问题，甚至曾有自杀念头，他称之为一只大黑狗。然而，在必要情况下他有办法打开一条生路。回头看，也可能是他的太太把他从黑暗中推出去，以致他能成就全世界都认为是英勇的成就。圣灵是能够推动我们前进并打退Churchill 所谓的大黑狗的动力。但重要的是，虽然我㝍了很多患者应做的事，但圣灵更会使用人。患者不需要别人的论断，但有些人或许需要另一信徒扮演我父亲的角色提示，就是说： “知道吗，你可以寻求帮助，因为是神供应的。”
另一些人可能需要另一信徒说： “我知道你不觉得你能完全恢复过来，但我们可以一起做这件我们都喜爱的事吗？” 那样的事不一定是教会的活动。
我们都认识一些（最少你认识我）经历忧郁的人，无论原因是什么，生化的，处境的，灵性的，身体的，或几种以上原因的，他们都需要祷告及勉励。你甚至可以给他们分享这篇文章，只要告诉他，他可能会惊异某某人也有同样的问题。
Johnny L. Wilson
Down in the Valley
Does Depression Mean I’ve Lost My Faith?
Many people believe that it is impossible for a person of authentic faith to experience depression. They reason that because two of the fruits of the Holy Spirit are joy and peace, we shouldn’t ever be, respectively, down or upset. Those people don’t know the Bible. I wrote about depression in the June Quarterly for 2019, but I cowardly called it discouragement. The principles that I shared in that article apply to depression and I wrote it from some of my personal experience.
I know God is in charge and I know God can do anything, but there have been times when I was convinced that I was more of an obstacle to God’s plan than a vessel serving God’s plan. I confess that I have even been so low in the canyon that I asked, “What’s the use?” I confess that I questioned whether my life mattered. All of this despite the fact that God has given me wonderful experiences and allowed me to accomplish a lot of the things that I always wanted to do. I have had several times in my life when I felt like I was drowning in quicksand and I just wanted to be swallowed up so that I wouldn’t have to deal with it anymore.
I have a Jewish friend who challenged my low spirits by insisting (rather profanely, actually) that I was a force to be reckoned with in my field and everyone knew me. He didn’t understand that for everything he saw where I was successful, I felt like a fraud. He didn’t understand that for everything he saw that I had accomplished, I felt there were a million more tasks that I felt too inadequate or too tired to even start working on. My Christian friends were even worse. They offered variants of “God is good! All the time, God is good!” But all I could think of was that God may be good, but I wasn’t particularly good and even when I wanted God’s goodness to come to me, I just felt guilt or shame.
Even some of you reading this article may not understand this. Yet, I think the reality is best described by a priest named Henri Nouwen, when he wrote: “I am deeply convinced that each human being suffers in a way no other human being suffers.” (Life of the Beloved, p. 87) You don’t have the perspective to understand why I might suffer depression (and it is suffering), even as I don’t have the perspective to understand why you might suffer pain, loss, doubt, or insecurity in your life.
In the secular world, a lot of people dismiss depression as self-indulgence, a fake disease. One doctor in the Southern United States had his feelings dismissed by a colleague who said (and I quote him exactly though I prefer not to use such language), “Depression? Hell, boy, that’s wimp disease!” (Kathy Cronkite, On the Edge of Darkness: Conversations About Conquering Depression, p. 79)
And I know words don’t salve the wounds. As the Swiss psychologist, Paul Tournier, wrote: “You do not relieve minds with dictionaries. We are dealing with life; and life is something which is borne and felt rather than thought.” (Guilt and Grace, p. 92) Yet, words are the markers by which we establish a beachhead to show that we care. Words aren’t enough, but words are an early indicator of where we are and where we want to be.
But I said that the Bible understood about depression. While it doesn’t say that Abram is depressed and giving up when he says to God that he would just settle for Eliezer of Damascus for his heir, it sounds like a “What’s the difference?” moment to me. When Elijah runs away from Jezebel, he assumes his effective ministry is over and begs God to kill him (I Kings 19:3-5). He had just been part of one of the most amazing miracles ever, but fear and desperation caused him to run away. The only good part was that he was instinctively running toward the mountain of God.
I can identify with Elijah not because God has worked miracles in my ministry but because I can identify with those feelings of helplessness when you think God has used you to create a breakthrough and then, it seems like said breakthrough had no effect. Elijah just called down fire from heaven to consume a sacrifice soaked with water (grounding for lightning?) and utterly humiliated (and executed) the rival priests of Baal. “What’s the use?” he must have thought when Queen Jezebel put out a death warrant on him and, despite God’s vindication in miracle, the numbers were still against him.
I call this Mountain-Valley Syndrome and some have heard me preach on it before. It seems that ever mountain-top, bird’s-eye view perspective where one thinks one understands exactly where one is going is followed almost immediately by some dismal experience in a valley. When that future you’ve seen called into question disappears so that all you can see is the difficult and dangerous peaks to climb around you, it’s easy to feel miserable about continuing the journey.
While we’re on that theme, let’s consider other examples. Moses is commissioned by God at the bush burning and not consumed. What happens when he comes down off the mountain and tells his family what he’s going to do? Before they get very far, his wife gets angry, performs an impromptu circumcision and throws the bloody foreskin of his son at his feet. Here he is trying to do God’s will and he ends up with a cursing, angry wife and a mutilated (although technically holy) piece of flesh. He gets to Egypt and delivers his message and Pharaoh uses his tyrannical powers to make things even worse for Israel. Look how Moses feels about his mission in Exodus 5:25. It’s essentially, “I did what You said and things got worse.” I doubt Moses was feeling very energized, but he kept following God’s instructions. He undergoes rejection after rejection by Pharaoh. And even just before the crossing of the Reed Sea, the people accuse him of bringing them out in the desert to kill them (Exodus 14:10-12). Early on in the desert wandering, Moses throws up his hands and asks God what he can possibly do because the people want to kill him (Exodus 17:4), It seems like the people used any excuse to turn on Moses. If I had been Moses, I’m pretty sure I would rather have spent time in the tent or on the mountain rather than around all of my roadside critics. Outside of Moses’ desperation, though, we don’t necessarily see depression. I think it had to be there. I think he just hung onto God and kept going—even though there is evidence of him becoming grumpy and angry.
One of my colleagues in graduate school had the graduate fellowship (assistantship) that I wished I had had, collaborated with one of our professors on his book series, and had a better weekend church position than I had. From the mountain of these advantages, the horizon was his for the taking. But as he prepared for his preliminary (qualifying) examinations, he looked at the difficult climbs of taking half-day exams in every subject area where the professor could ask ANYTHING in the entire subject and it became a weight that pulled him down. He just couldn’t move. He just couldn’t function. He spent time in a mental institution. He came back to his family and church, but never made it back to the doctoral program. What was so overwhelming? That view of where he thought he was going, that destination that seemed to give him light and joy, suddenly seemed denied to him. My understanding is that he found more joy in his pastorate and in his family after that, but the inertia of feelings of inadequacy and hopelessness shut down his ambition.
But back to characters in the Bible. How about Job? Job had it all: wealth, prestige, family, and (at least, “fair weather”) friends. He is looked upon elsewhere as a model of faith. Yet, he gets suicidal as early as Chapter 3. He curses the anniversary of his birth and wishes he had never been born (3:3, 11, 16, 23). Pay particular attention to verse 23 where Job who once had it all asks why God would bother to give life to a person and then hedge them into a no-win situation.
I know that’s the way I felt about my calling when denominational politics closed the door (temporarily) on my theological teaching career. I had done all I was supposed to do; I could tell from my students that I was effective; and I had invested many years of my life only to hit this apparent dead end. I withdrew into myself. I tried to leave the ministry. I had suicidal thoughts. And I progressed into another cause of depression—shame.
But let’s not forget poor Job. How did he get back to functional? He was confronted by God. But before he was confronted by God, he had to listen to those who argued from mysticism that he needed to attune himself to God, to those who argued from history that human effort could turn things around, and to those who argued from traditional religion that if he just confessed his sin, he’d feel okay. Through 30+ chapters he stands up to their arguments with honest protests and misgivings. He accuses his comforters of making things worse. I’m pretty sure he would have been shunned by “good” church members today, but God thought he was worthwhile enough to pull him out of his downward spiral. Facing God’s reality, disguised in natural phenomenon like a storm as it was, wasn’t easy, but it brought him back to life.
For some people, there is some guilt that contributes to their depression. It may not even be conscious guilt—just a feeling that one has let someone or some group down. For others, there is a sense of shame. I like a quick distinction between guilt and shame that Kathy Escobar quoted in a devotional book about Advent of all things. She quotes Brene Brown as saying, “’Guilt is ‘I did something bad’ while shame is ‘I am bad.’” (A Weary World: Reflections for a Blue Christmas, p. 42.
If you read carefully, a lot of the psalms that start off describing desperate and depressing circumstances end with an assurance of forgiveness or deliverance. It is like the psalmist again finds solid footing. For example, the poet writes in Psalm 69 [Pastor Johnny’s Translation]:
19/20 You, You know [all about] my being taunted and my shame,
my disgrace, all my opponents [are] right in front of You.
20/21 Taunts have shattered my will [“heart”] and I am ill;
so I looked for condolences but there weren’t any,
and for comforters, but I couldn’t find them.
But at the end, the poet promises praise and thanksgiving. He probably didn’t feel much better inside, but he made a positive decision to focus on God and expect God to help. This is a recurring pattern in such psalms. We even see it when Jonah prays from the insides of a “great fish” (Jonah 2).
Yet, we can’t just offer the bumper stick prescription that “Jesus is the answer.” As Escobar cogently shares: “While I believe Jesus is the great shame destroyer, that response often perpetuates more shame and implies if we behaved properly, we wouldn’t feel what we’re feeling. It’s not that simple. One of the first steps in loosening shame’s grip is acknowledging it with safe people who won’t fix, minimize, or judge—to practice honesty.” (p. 43)
To be able to say what we’re feeling is close to what we mean by “confession” in the church. Unfortunately, the idea of “confession” has been co-opted by the idea of admitting our sins. That’s part of it, but we are also supposed to “confess” aloud our relationship to God (and that shouldn’t be negative). It can also simply mean to share our feelings (which could be negative or positive, but shouldn’t be judged).
When I saw myself as a failure, the last thing I wanted to do was get counseling from a fellow pastor. And I didn’t trust seeing a so-called Christian counselor because I knew a person who was winning a moral battle in his life when the so-called Christian counselor suddenly decided it was his moral duty (albeit professionally unethical) to share this person’s moral battle with a local pastor (not this person’s pastor, even). It shattered my friend and he never truly recovered. It destroyed my friend’s family. It didn’t give God time to work (and God was already working in this person’s life).
My father, someone I would never have expected to approve of secular psychiatry, knew that I couldn’t solve the mental Sasquatch stomping on my emotions by going to a colleague, church member, or Christian counselor. But he said, “Son, you might need medication. There’s no shame in seeking out help that God has made available to you.”
Ironically, the psychiatrist that I ended up with was a believer and understood my feelings. Fortunately, he was from a “high church” background, so he didn’t know any of my colleagues. He did prescribe medication. It helps my all too active brain to slow down and balance. But before I could get the help that the medication gave, I had to verbalize what was wrong. I felt like a fraud. I felt like I couldn’t go on. I felt like I was trying to keep too many plates in the air and I kept missing them and letting them crash all around me. And then, I would feel incompetent and then, I would feel ashamed. Then, I would feel immobilized.
Once I began to admit I was affected by weather, workload, expectations, feelings of inadequacy and helplessness, I was able to look beyond some of these factors and try to figure out day-by-day what I wanted out of life. I think one of my problems was that because I couldn’t grasp the whole picture of where I was going, I just collapsed inside. I would make these brave little forays into getting this done or that done, meeting this deadline or that, but I never felt in control.
So, the first step out of depression is just talking honestly about how useless, ashamed, frustrated, and immobilized you feel. As Kathy Cronkite (daughter of the late newscaster and depression sufferer) wrote, “We cannot afford to be cowards. To stay silent is to perpetuate the pain, …” (p. 82)
The second step is starting to find those little things you can control. And this is where my faith has helped me. It’s no accident that so many lament psalms end in praise, thanksgiving, and sometimes forgiveness. I can’t change my feelings right away, but I can choose to verbalize praise and thanksgiving. Praise and thanksgiving are a CHOICE, not feelings, but you would be surprised how just saying them sometimes energizes those feelings and gets the endorphins going which are needed to deal with even your emotional pain.
Don’t worry. This is not Pastor Johnny’s Sacred Medicine Show. This isn’t Doctor Johnny’s Panacea for All That Ails You. It is a part of getting back to even.
The third step is diagnosing those non-essentials which are upsetting you and figuring out how to trim them. For the believer, this is part of the process of prayer. The old-fashioned word is “discernment” and it means delineating between what is good and evil, holy and unholy, useful and destructive. Christians believe the Holy Spirit helps us to do this.
The fourth step is rediscovering your bliss. What really works for you? I read an account of a famous television personality and comedy star whose husband committed suicide. She knew something was wrong when he stopped reading. Reading had been his passion and he just stopped. A movie buff who gives up going to movies, a singer who drops out of a choir, an actor who quits auditioning for plays, a pastor who quits preaching, a writer who quits writing, a gourmand who quits caring about food and wine, a golfer who doesn’t golf, a fitness buff who doesn’t go to the gym, etc. are all signs of depression. Part of rediscovering one’s bliss is re-discovering what one loves about whatever it is AND making time for it.
The fifth step is finding something meaningful. For believers, it’s finding how our spiritual gifts and talents fit into God’s Kingdom. How can we share God’s love? How can we help others? What kind of job can fulfill us and meet the needs of others?
Sir Winston Churchill had a depression problem and was even suicidal at times when he dealt with what he called a big black dog. Yet, he found ways to fight his way out whenever he thought it was important enough. In retrospect, it seemed to be his wife who pushed him enough to accomplish the things the world considered heroic but brought him out of darkness.
The Holy Spirit is the impetus by which we can be pushed to start working/fighting our way past the big black dog Churchill described. But the thing is, despite all I wrote about what the victims of depression should do, the Holy Spirit uses people. Those who experience depression don’t need someone to judge them, but some may need another believer to play the role that my Dad did in my life and say, “You know, it’s okay to seek out help, God has provided it.” Others may need another believer to say, “I know you don’t feel like making a full commitment to getting back to your old life, but don’t you think we could do this one thing you love together?” And that one thing you love doesn’t have to be some specifically church activity.
All of us know somebody (if no one else, you all know me) who experiences depression. Whether the cause might be biochemical, environmental, spiritual, physical, or some combination of several of these, these sufferers need prayer and encouragement. You might even share this article with them. Just say that it might surprise them who has a similar problem.
我知道神掌管一切而祂是全能的，但有时候我深信我是在阻碍神的计划而不是作为成就祂计划的器皿。我承认我曾经在深渊里自问：“有什么用呢？”我承认我曾怀疑我的生命有价值吗？虽然神已赐给我很好的经验及让我成就了许多我想作的事。在我生命中有几次我觉得在流沙中浮沉，我想若真的沉下去就不需要再挣扎了。
一个犹太朋友对我的低潮挑战，他强调（真正是亵渎的）我在我的行业中是很重要的，也是人人都认识的。但他不知道他所见到我成功的每一件事，我却感觉是在假装。他也不知道他看到我成就的每一件事后面，我觉得有一百万件事我不敢或无力去尝试。我的基督徒朋友们更差劲，他们会说一些像'神真好，永远都好'的话，但我只想到的是神虽然是好，但我却不很好；甚至当我想得到神的恩典时，我也觉得不配。
或者读者中也有人不明白，我想牧师Henri Nouwen所写的最淸楚：“我深信每一个人的苦痛是没有其他人可以感受到的。”（Life of the Beloved, p.87)你不能从你的角度看到我为什么会在忧郁中受苦（是真的受苦），就正如我不能从我的角度明白你在你的痛苦、失去、怀疑、或不安全时所感受到的。
在世上很多人认为忧郁是自怜，是假病。在美国南部有一个医生的感受被一同事漠视了，后者说（我是直接用他的话，虽然我不想）：“忧郁？地狱，小子，那是弱者的病！”(Kathy Cronkite, On the Edge of Darkness: Conversations About Conquering Depression, p. 79).
我知道言语不是伤口的膏药，正如瑞士心理学家Paul Tournier 所写：“你不能用字典来释放心灵。我们是面对生命；生命是被承受及感觉而不是被思想的东西。”（Guilt and Grace,p. 92) 但是言语仍然是可以表达我们关切的登陆滩。言语固然不足，但仍可以稍微表示我们的所在及去向。
我说过圣经清楚什么是忧郁，虽然它没有说亚伯兰忧郁及放弃地对神说他接受了大马色人以利以谢是承受他家业的，但他好像是说：“那有什么分别呢？”。当以利亚从耶洗别那里逃跑时，他是以为他的有效事工已经完蛋而向神求死（《王上》19:35）。他刚刚参予了一个最惊人的神迹，但恐惧及绝望使他逃跑，幸好他本能使他正确地跑向神的山。
我与以利亚有同感，不是因为神在我的事工上行过神迹，而是因为我感受到他那种当你以为神用你产生了一个突破而那突破却好像没有作用的感觉。以利亚刚才从天召火下来烧掉了被水湿透的祭牲（闪电的地缘？），又绝对的羞辱（并处死）了对抗他的巴力先知们。当耶洗别王后发出要杀他的命令时，他一定想“有什么用？”，虽然神以神迹肯定了他，但他仍然觉得他树敌太多。
我称这为高山-低谷综合症，有些人听过我讲过这样的道，就是好像我们在山峰上看到一切都很清楚，知道如何前去时却突然间又经验到很困难的低谷。当你以为前途渺茫、四面群山环绕很难攀登时，你很容易就会觉得举步唯艰。
在这主题下，我们再看一个个例子。摩西在没烧毁的荆棘前被神差派，但他下山告诉家人他要作什么事的时候，何事发生呢？不多久他的太太就生气，割了他儿子的阳皮并将这血淋淋的东西丢到他脚下。他想要行神的旨意，但随之而来的是愤怒诅咒的妻子及被割下（虽说是圣洁）的一片血肉。他去到埃及将神的信息传递了，法老却用他的权力使以色列人的处境更加艰难。从《出埃及记》5:23我们可以看到摩西对他的使命的感受，主要是：“我作了你要我作的，而事情反而更糟糕了！”我怀疑摩西会继续有劲，但他仍按照神的命令去行。他每次都被法老拒绝，甚至在红海前百姓指控他要带他们死在旷野。 （《出》14:10-12）在旷野漂流不久，摩西就举起双手向神问他可以作什么呢？因为百姓想要杀他。 （《出》17:4）百姓好像用任何借口去攻击摩西。若我是摩西，我相当确定会留在帐幕里或在山上而不会跟那些经常在路旁抨击我的人在一起。我们见到摩西的绝望但看不到他的忧郁，我相信这肯定存在，但我想他只是紧抓着神而继续坚持下去，虽然他会埋怨及愤怒。
一个研究院的同学得着我渴求的奖学金，他还与一教授合作写书，更在比我好的周末教会任职。他的长处如高山，他应该觉得前途无限。但当他预备博士学位面试时，他看到的高山是，每个教授都可以在各个半日考试中提问任何问题，这令他感到非常大的压力，叫他寸步难行。他进了精神病院一段时间，他出院之后陆续返回家中及教会，但没有回去继续他的博士课程。为什么这么难？他所看到的前途，本会给他光明及喜乐的目标，如今却竟然变得难以达到。我所知的是，他后来觉得牧会及家庭更能给他喜乐，而无能及绝望的感觉令他放弃他的雄心壮志。
再回到圣经的人物，约伯又怎样呢？他什么都有：财富，名声，家庭，及（最少是‘好景时的）朋友。他被人看为是信心的模范。但到了第三章他就有自杀的念头了。他诅咒自己的生日，又愿自己没被生下来（3:3，11，16，23）请特别留意23节中什么都曾有的约伯问神为什么会给他生命，然后又令他四面受困呢！ 。
这也是我的神学教职之门因宗派政治而被（暂时）关闭时我对神呼召的感觉。我做了一切应做的：我从学生们的反应知道我的教学非常有效，但是好像我一生多年所投资的结果是个死胡同。我退缩，我尝试不再事奉，我想自杀，我更进一步到忧郁的另一原因——羞耻。
但我们不要忘了可怜的约伯。他如何能得以回到正常状态呢？他面对神，但在这之前，他要先听取那些从神秘主义出发的辩论，说他需要更多寻求神；他听到从历史的角度来思考人力能改变事情；他也听到传统宗教的论点，说他只要认罪就会好过一些。他在三十多章中站稳自己的立场跟他们辩论，他诚实的抗议及反驳，他指控那些来安慰他的人使情况更糟糕。我相信他若活在今天，很多教会的’好‘会友会远避他，但神却看他宝贵，要将他从下滑的旋涡中救上来。面对神的真实，甚至是以风暴等自然现象化妆的背后，是不容易的，但神却把他救活了。对某些人来说，罪疚感可能是忧郁的原因之一，甚至是不自觉的，可能只是觉得没有尽上对某人或某群体的责任。对另一些人而言，会是羞耻之心。在此我想很简短的分辨罪感及耻感的不同，Kathy Escobar 曾在一本有关的灵修书引述Brene Brown 所说的：“罪感是'我做了不好的事'，而耻感则是'我不好'”。 “（A Weary World: Reflections of a Blue Christmas, p.42).
若你仔细的读，很多诗篇是以描述绝望及忧郁的情景开始但以宽恕及拯救的确据作结束，诗人好像找到了稳固的立足点，例如在69篇诗人写着：你，你完全知道我如何被辱骂，我的羞耻和我的侮辱，我的所有敌人都在你的面前，（20）辱骂伤透了我的意志（心），我很不适；于是我寻求安慰，但找不到，我寻找安慰者，但也找不着（21）。 （按Pastor Johnny的翻译）
但最后诗人应许要赞美感谢神，他心中大概不会觉得好很多，但他作了一个明确的决定要专注于神且相信神会帮助。这是这类诗篇中重复出现的，这也是约拿在大鱼里面祷告的模式。 （《拿》2）。
但是我们不能说一句好像汽车保护杠贴纸上说的‘耶稣是答案’就了事。正如Escobar很好的分享：”虽然我相信耶稣是伟大的羞耻毁灭者，那样的回应常常会增加羞耻并意味着若我们行得对就不会有那些感觉了，但情况不是那么简单。要解除羞耻的初步方法之一是诚实，跟一些安全的人承认它的存在，这些人不会改造你，不会轻视事实，也不会论断你。“（p.43)
能讲出我们的感受跟在教会中所说的认罪很相近。不幸的是认罪是包含了承认我们的罪的思想。这是一部分，但我们也要公开承认我们与神的关系（不应该是负面的）。这也应包括分享我们的感受（可以是正面或负面的，但不应被审断）。
当我以前看自己是失败者的时候，我最不想要的是另一个牧师给我的辅导，我也不相信要见一个所谓基督徒的辅导员，因为我认识一个人，当他正要超越一个道德问题时，他的所谓基督徒辅导员突然决定他的道德责任（但职业道德上是不可以的）是要跟一个当地的牧师（不是他个人的牧师）说出他的道德问题。就这样，我的朋友被击碎了，不能完全恢复过来。这也毁了他的家，更没有给神动工的时间（神已经在他的生命中工作）
家父是我永不相信他会认同世俗精神病医生的人，但当他知道我不会去找同道,会友,或基督徒辅导员来解决我的心理问题时，他说：“我儿，或许你需要药物。去找神为你预备的帮助不是羞耻的事情。”。
最讽刺的是我找到的精神科医生是一个信徒而他明白我的感受。可幸的是他的教会背景与我不同，所以他完全不认识我的同僚们。他给我药物，帮助我太活跃的脑袋静下来维持平衡。但在我接受药物的帮助之前，我需要说出我的问题。我觉得我是假冒的，无法继续下去了，情况好像我扔了太多碟子在空中而不能一一接住，以致碟子都在我四周摔碎了，然后我觉得自己无能，感到羞愧，无法继续活动。当我开始承认我会被气候,工作量,期望,自觉不足及无助的情绪影响时，我就可以看清楚我每天除了这些因素之外，我可以如何达到我想要活出的自己。我的问题是我看不清我的去向的整个图景，以致我往内里坍塌。我只是勇敢地做这做那，赶交这赶交那，但永不觉得有掌控权。
所以要脱离忧郁的第一步是诚实地说出你自己的无能、羞耻、挫败及不能活动的感觉。正如Kathy Cronkite (前新闻报导员及忧郁症患者的女儿）所写的：”我们不能退缩，保持静默就是增长痛苦⋯”(p.82).
第二步是开始找出你能掌控的一些小事情，这是我的信仰能够帮助我的地方。很多诗篇哀歌最后是讃美感谢或宽恕，这不是偶然的。我不能立刻改变我的无助感，但我可以选择说出赞美感谢的话。赞美和感谢是你的选择，不是感觉，但你会诧异你说出来的话有时会令你的情绪变得有劲，也令你的内腓肽出来应付你的情绪的痛苦。
不要担心，这不是Pastor Johnny 在卖膏药，也不是Dr. Johnny 的万能疗法，这只是让问题回归正轨的一部分。
第三步是诊断出那些令你不开心的无关紧要的东西，然后找出如何减少它们的方法。对信徒而言，这是祷告过程的一部分。古老的词汇就是‘洞察’，意思是分辨好坏，圣洁与否，有用或有害等，基督徒相信圣灵会帮助我们分辨。
第四步是重新发现你的福气。什么真正对你有作用呢？我读过一个故事是有关一个电视名喜剧明星的，她的夫婿自杀了。她察觉他出问题是他停止了阅读。他以前很喜欢阅读，但他突然停止了。一个常看电影的人突然不看电影，一个歌者不再去唱诗班，一个演员不去试演，一个牧师不再讲道，一个作家不再写作,一个美食家不再关心饮食，一个高尔夫球能手不再打高尔夫球，一个健身人士不再去健身室
…… 这些都是忧郁症的症状。重新发现你的福气就是重新发现你所喜爱的，无论是什么，然后找时间去做。
第五步是找一些有意义的事情。对信徒而言，是找出我们的属灵恩赐及怎样能用在神的国度里的才能。我们可以如何分享神的爱？我们可以如何帮助别人？什么工作能叫我们满足又能帮助人的需要？
Sir Winston Churchill 有抑郁的问题，甚至曾有自杀念头，他称之为一只大黑狗。然而，在必要情况下他有办法打开一条生路。回头看，也可能是他的太太把他从黑暗中推出去，以致他能成就全世界都认为是英勇的成就。圣灵是能够推动我们前进并打退Churchill 所谓的大黑狗的动力。但重要的是，虽然我㝍了很多患者应做的事，但圣灵更会使用人。患者不需要别人的论断，但有些人或许需要另一信徒扮演我父亲的角色提示，就是说： “知道吗，你可以寻求帮助，因为是神供应的。”
另一些人可能需要另一信徒说： “我知道你不觉得你能完全恢复过来，但我们可以一起做这件我们都喜爱的事吗？” 那样的事不一定是教会的活动。
我们都认识一些（最少你认识我）经历忧郁的人，无论原因是什么，生化的，处境的，灵性的，身体的，或几种以上原因的，他们都需要祷告及勉励。你甚至可以给他们分享这篇文章，只要告诉他，他可能会惊异某某人也有同样的问题。
Johnny L. Wilson
Down in the Valley
Does Depression Mean I’ve Lost My Faith?
Many people believe that it is impossible for a person of authentic faith to experience depression. They reason that because two of the fruits of the Holy Spirit are joy and peace, we shouldn’t ever be, respectively, down or upset. Those people don’t know the Bible. I wrote about depression in the June Quarterly for 2019, but I cowardly called it discouragement. The principles that I shared in that article apply to depression and I wrote it from some of my personal experience.
I know God is in charge and I know God can do anything, but there have been times when I was convinced that I was more of an obstacle to God’s plan than a vessel serving God’s plan. I confess that I have even been so low in the canyon that I asked, “What’s the use?” I confess that I questioned whether my life mattered. All of this despite the fact that God has given me wonderful experiences and allowed me to accomplish a lot of the things that I always wanted to do. I have had several times in my life when I felt like I was drowning in quicksand and I just wanted to be swallowed up so that I wouldn’t have to deal with it anymore.
I have a Jewish friend who challenged my low spirits by insisting (rather profanely, actually) that I was a force to be reckoned with in my field and everyone knew me. He didn’t understand that for everything he saw where I was successful, I felt like a fraud. He didn’t understand that for everything he saw that I had accomplished, I felt there were a million more tasks that I felt too inadequate or too tired to even start working on. My Christian friends were even worse. They offered variants of “God is good! All the time, God is good!” But all I could think of was that God may be good, but I wasn’t particularly good and even when I wanted God’s goodness to come to me, I just felt guilt or shame.
Even some of you reading this article may not understand this. Yet, I think the reality is best described by a priest named Henri Nouwen, when he wrote: “I am deeply convinced that each human being suffers in a way no other human being suffers.” (Life of the Beloved, p. 87) You don’t have the perspective to understand why I might suffer depression (and it is suffering), even as I don’t have the perspective to understand why you might suffer pain, loss, doubt, or insecurity in your life.
In the secular world, a lot of people dismiss depression as self-indulgence, a fake disease. One doctor in the Southern United States had his feelings dismissed by a colleague who said (and I quote him exactly though I prefer not to use such language), “Depression? Hell, boy, that’s wimp disease!” (Kathy Cronkite, On the Edge of Darkness: Conversations About Conquering Depression, p. 79)
And I know words don’t salve the wounds. As the Swiss psychologist, Paul Tournier, wrote: “You do not relieve minds with dictionaries. We are dealing with life; and life is something which is borne and felt rather than thought.” (Guilt and Grace, p. 92) Yet, words are the markers by which we establish a beachhead to show that we care. Words aren’t enough, but words are an early indicator of where we are and where we want to be.
But I said that the Bible understood about depression. While it doesn’t say that Abram is depressed and giving up when he says to God that he would just settle for Eliezer of Damascus for his heir, it sounds like a “What’s the difference?” moment to me. When Elijah runs away from Jezebel, he assumes his effective ministry is over and begs God to kill him (I Kings 19:3-5). He had just been part of one of the most amazing miracles ever, but fear and desperation caused him to run away. The only good part was that he was instinctively running toward the mountain of God.
I can identify with Elijah not because God has worked miracles in my ministry but because I can identify with those feelings of helplessness when you think God has used you to create a breakthrough and then, it seems like said breakthrough had no effect. Elijah just called down fire from heaven to consume a sacrifice soaked with water (grounding for lightning?) and utterly humiliated (and executed) the rival priests of Baal. “What’s the use?” he must have thought when Queen Jezebel put out a death warrant on him and, despite God’s vindication in miracle, the numbers were still against him.
I call this Mountain-Valley Syndrome and some have heard me preach on it before. It seems that ever mountain-top, bird’s-eye view perspective where one thinks one understands exactly where one is going is followed almost immediately by some dismal experience in a valley. When that future you’ve seen called into question disappears so that all you can see is the difficult and dangerous peaks to climb around you, it’s easy to feel miserable about continuing the journey.
While we’re on that theme, let’s consider other examples. Moses is commissioned by God at the bush burning and not consumed. What happens when he comes down off the mountain and tells his family what he’s going to do? Before they get very far, his wife gets angry, performs an impromptu circumcision and throws the bloody foreskin of his son at his feet. Here he is trying to do God’s will and he ends up with a cursing, angry wife and a mutilated (although technically holy) piece of flesh. He gets to Egypt and delivers his message and Pharaoh uses his tyrannical powers to make things even worse for Israel. Look how Moses feels about his mission in Exodus 5:25. It’s essentially, “I did what You said and things got worse.” I doubt Moses was feeling very energized, but he kept following God’s instructions. He undergoes rejection after rejection by Pharaoh. And even just before the crossing of the Reed Sea, the people accuse him of bringing them out in the desert to kill them (Exodus 14:10-12). Early on in the desert wandering, Moses throws up his hands and asks God what he can possibly do because the people want to kill him (Exodus 17:4), It seems like the people used any excuse to turn on Moses. If I had been Moses, I’m pretty sure I would rather have spent time in the tent or on the mountain rather than around all of my roadside critics. Outside of Moses’ desperation, though, we don’t necessarily see depression. I think it had to be there. I think he just hung onto God and kept going—even though there is evidence of him becoming grumpy and angry.
One of my colleagues in graduate school had the graduate fellowship (assistantship) that I wished I had had, collaborated with one of our professors on his book series, and had a better weekend church position than I had. From the mountain of these advantages, the horizon was his for the taking. But as he prepared for his preliminary (qualifying) examinations, he looked at the difficult climbs of taking half-day exams in every subject area where the professor could ask ANYTHING in the entire subject and it became a weight that pulled him down. He just couldn’t move. He just couldn’t function. He spent time in a mental institution. He came back to his family and church, but never made it back to the doctoral program. What was so overwhelming? That view of where he thought he was going, that destination that seemed to give him light and joy, suddenly seemed denied to him. My understanding is that he found more joy in his pastorate and in his family after that, but the inertia of feelings of inadequacy and hopelessness shut down his ambition.
But back to characters in the Bible. How about Job? Job had it all: wealth, prestige, family, and (at least, “fair weather”) friends. He is looked upon elsewhere as a model of faith. Yet, he gets suicidal as early as Chapter 3. He curses the anniversary of his birth and wishes he had never been born (3:3, 11, 16, 23). Pay particular attention to verse 23 where Job who once had it all asks why God would bother to give life to a person and then hedge them into a no-win situation.
I know that’s the way I felt about my calling when denominational politics closed the door (temporarily) on my theological teaching career. I had done all I was supposed to do; I could tell from my students that I was effective; and I had invested many years of my life only to hit this apparent dead end. I withdrew into myself. I tried to leave the ministry. I had suicidal thoughts. And I progressed into another cause of depression—shame.
But let’s not forget poor Job. How did he get back to functional? He was confronted by God. But before he was confronted by God, he had to listen to those who argued from mysticism that he needed to attune himself to God, to those who argued from history that human effort could turn things around, and to those who argued from traditional religion that if he just confessed his sin, he’d feel okay. Through 30+ chapters he stands up to their arguments with honest protests and misgivings. He accuses his comforters of making things worse. I’m pretty sure he would have been shunned by “good” church members today, but God thought he was worthwhile enough to pull him out of his downward spiral. Facing God’s reality, disguised in natural phenomenon like a storm as it was, wasn’t easy, but it brought him back to life.
For some people, there is some guilt that contributes to their depression. It may not even be conscious guilt—just a feeling that one has let someone or some group down. For others, there is a sense of shame. I like a quick distinction between guilt and shame that Kathy Escobar quoted in a devotional book about Advent of all things. She quotes Brene Brown as saying, “’Guilt is ‘I did something bad’ while shame is ‘I am bad.’” (A Weary World: Reflections for a Blue Christmas, p. 42.
If you read carefully, a lot of the psalms that start off describing desperate and depressing circumstances end with an assurance of forgiveness or deliverance. It is like the psalmist again finds solid footing. For example, the poet writes in Psalm 69 [Pastor Johnny’s Translation]:
19/20 You, You know [all about] my being taunted and my shame,
my disgrace, all my opponents [are] right in front of You.
20/21 Taunts have shattered my will [“heart”] and I am ill;
so I looked for condolences but there weren’t any,
and for comforters, but I couldn’t find them.
But at the end, the poet promises praise and thanksgiving. He probably didn’t feel much better inside, but he made a positive decision to focus on God and expect God to help. This is a recurring pattern in such psalms. We even see it when Jonah prays from the insides of a “great fish” (Jonah 2).
Yet, we can’t just offer the bumper stick prescription that “Jesus is the answer.” As Escobar cogently shares: “While I believe Jesus is the great shame destroyer, that response often perpetuates more shame and implies if we behaved properly, we wouldn’t feel what we’re feeling. It’s not that simple. One of the first steps in loosening shame’s grip is acknowledging it with safe people who won’t fix, minimize, or judge—to practice honesty.” (p. 43)
To be able to say what we’re feeling is close to what we mean by “confession” in the church. Unfortunately, the idea of “confession” has been co-opted by the idea of admitting our sins. That’s part of it, but we are also supposed to “confess” aloud our relationship to God (and that shouldn’t be negative). It can also simply mean to share our feelings (which could be negative or positive, but shouldn’t be judged).
When I saw myself as a failure, the last thing I wanted to do was get counseling from a fellow pastor. And I didn’t trust seeing a so-called Christian counselor because I knew a person who was winning a moral battle in his life when the so-called Christian counselor suddenly decided it was his moral duty (albeit professionally unethical) to share this person’s moral battle with a local pastor (not this person’s pastor, even). It shattered my friend and he never truly recovered. It destroyed my friend’s family. It didn’t give God time to work (and God was already working in this person’s life).
My father, someone I would never have expected to approve of secular psychiatry, knew that I couldn’t solve the mental Sasquatch stomping on my emotions by going to a colleague, church member, or Christian counselor. But he said, “Son, you might need medication. There’s no shame in seeking out help that God has made available to you.”
Ironically, the psychiatrist that I ended up with was a believer and understood my feelings. Fortunately, he was from a “high church” background, so he didn’t know any of my colleagues. He did prescribe medication. It helps my all too active brain to slow down and balance. But before I could get the help that the medication gave, I had to verbalize what was wrong. I felt like a fraud. I felt like I couldn’t go on. I felt like I was trying to keep too many plates in the air and I kept missing them and letting them crash all around me. And then, I would feel incompetent and then, I would feel ashamed. Then, I would feel immobilized.
Once I began to admit I was affected by weather, workload, expectations, feelings of inadequacy and helplessness, I was able to look beyond some of these factors and try to figure out day-by-day what I wanted out of life. I think one of my problems was that because I couldn’t grasp the whole picture of where I was going, I just collapsed inside. I would make these brave little forays into getting this done or that done, meeting this deadline or that, but I never felt in control.
So, the first step out of depression is just talking honestly about how useless, ashamed, frustrated, and immobilized you feel. As Kathy Cronkite (daughter of the late newscaster and depression sufferer) wrote, “We cannot afford to be cowards. To stay silent is to perpetuate the pain, …” (p. 82)
The second step is starting to find those little things you can control. And this is where my faith has helped me. It’s no accident that so many lament psalms end in praise, thanksgiving, and sometimes forgiveness. I can’t change my feelings right away, but I can choose to verbalize praise and thanksgiving. Praise and thanksgiving are a CHOICE, not feelings, but you would be surprised how just saying them sometimes energizes those feelings and gets the endorphins going which are needed to deal with even your emotional pain.
Don’t worry. This is not Pastor Johnny’s Sacred Medicine Show. This isn’t Doctor Johnny’s Panacea for All That Ails You. It is a part of getting back to even.
The third step is diagnosing those non-essentials which are upsetting you and figuring out how to trim them. For the believer, this is part of the process of prayer. The old-fashioned word is “discernment” and it means delineating between what is good and evil, holy and unholy, useful and destructive. Christians believe the Holy Spirit helps us to do this.
The fourth step is rediscovering your bliss. What really works for you? I read an account of a famous television personality and comedy star whose husband committed suicide. She knew something was wrong when he stopped reading. Reading had been his passion and he just stopped. A movie buff who gives up going to movies, a singer who drops out of a choir, an actor who quits auditioning for plays, a pastor who quits preaching, a writer who quits writing, a gourmand who quits caring about food and wine, a golfer who doesn’t golf, a fitness buff who doesn’t go to the gym, etc. are all signs of depression. Part of rediscovering one’s bliss is re-discovering what one loves about whatever it is AND making time for it.
The fifth step is finding something meaningful. For believers, it’s finding how our spiritual gifts and talents fit into God’s Kingdom. How can we share God’s love? How can we help others? What kind of job can fulfill us and meet the needs of others?
Sir Winston Churchill had a depression problem and was even suicidal at times when he dealt with what he called a big black dog. Yet, he found ways to fight his way out whenever he thought it was important enough. In retrospect, it seemed to be his wife who pushed him enough to accomplish the things the world considered heroic but brought him out of darkness.
The Holy Spirit is the impetus by which we can be pushed to start working/fighting our way past the big black dog Churchill described. But the thing is, despite all I wrote about what the victims of depression should do, the Holy Spirit uses people. Those who experience depression don’t need someone to judge them, but some may need another believer to play the role that my Dad did in my life and say, “You know, it’s okay to seek out help, God has provided it.” Others may need another believer to say, “I know you don’t feel like making a full commitment to getting back to your old life, but don’t you think we could do this one thing you love together?” And that one thing you love doesn’t have to be some specifically church activity.
All of us know somebody (if no one else, you all know me) who experiences depression. Whether the cause might be biochemical, environmental, spiritual, physical, or some combination of several of these, these sufferers need prayer and encouragement. You might even share this article with them. Just say that it might surprise them who has a similar problem.