編者的話
感謝神，教會準備在六月恢愎正常聚會，請大家為這事祈禱。疫苗正在大量地生產，預計在今年初秋大多數人都已接受了疫苗注射。我們能回復正常生活指日可待了！
本期文章，蒼靈寫的《這一年》，分享在局限裡神如何開路；黃家慶寫的《真理是什麼呢？ 》，講述真理的標準和要跟隨它；Laurie 寫的《感恩》，為女兒誕下小寶感恩；文娟寫的《心得》，分享她不平凡的一年；小羅的《一切交託給主》，敘述寫這篇文章的掙扎；璐加寫的《分享》，說出疫情影響到他一家二地相隔一年期間的等候；威爾遜牧師(Johnny Wilson) 牧師寫的《在深谷中/憂鬱就是失去信心嗎？ (Down in the Valley/Does Depression Mean I 've Lost My Faith?)》, 詳述憂鬱症的問題及如何面對它。
祈願我們繼續忍耐，不要放鬆，直到大家都接受疫苗注射後再次相聚。
本期文章，蒼靈寫的《這一年》，分享在局限裡神如何開路；黃家慶寫的《真理是什麼呢？ 》，講述真理的標準和要跟隨它；Laurie 寫的《感恩》，為女兒誕下小寶感恩；文娟寫的《心得》，分享她不平凡的一年；小羅的《一切交託給主》，敘述寫這篇文章的掙扎；璐加寫的《分享》，說出疫情影響到他一家二地相隔一年期間的等候；威爾遜牧師(Johnny Wilson) 牧師寫的《在深谷中/憂鬱就是失去信心嗎？ (Down in the Valley/Does Depression Mean I 've Lost My Faith?)》, 詳述憂鬱症的問題及如何面對它。
祈願我們繼續忍耐，不要放鬆，直到大家都接受疫苗注射後再次相聚。
這一年
蒼靈
蒼靈
疫情的陰影從去年三月開始籠罩了我們一整年。這一年間，我做了人工全髖關節置換的大手術。我成立了一個新的舞蹈團隊；做了第一個“三步曲”的舞蹈視頻，第二個視頻現在進行中，第三個視頻將在五月中旬完成。我三月底開始進修誇文化研究博士的課程。七月底主持一個舞蹈藝術節。你或者會問：“這些是否能夠做得到？” 我可以跟你說：“沒有我的神同在是萬萬不能！” 以上我所提及的都不是我刻意定下的目標；然而神的作為是我不能參透的。我只管跟著祂走，不要畏懼。當境遇不順時，我提醒自己去倚靠我的主我的神。
《以賽亞書》40:28-31的一段經文總結了我這一年的經歴： 28 你 豈 不 曾 知 道 麼 ？你 豈 不 曾 聽 見 麼 ？永 在 的 神 耶 和 華 ， 創 造 地 極 的 主 ， 並 不 疲 乏 ， 也 不 困 倦 ； 他 的 智 慧 無 法 測 度 。 29 疲 乏 的 ， 他 賜 能 力 ； 軟 弱 的 ， 他 加 力 量 。 30 就 是 少 年 人 也 要 疲 乏 困 倦 ； 強 壯 的 也 必 全 然 跌 倒 。 31 但 那 等 候 耶 和 華 的 必 從 新 得 力 。他 們 必 如 鷹 展 翅 上 騰 ； 他 們 奔 跑 卻 不 困 倦 ， 行 走 卻 不 疲 乏 。
關於手術一事，本是無奈, 結果卻是滿滿的祝福（刊在2020 Q4《 以馬內利的力量》)。在手術前，我想有一段日子要休養恢愎，趁著自己還能做示範動作，便創作一個舞蹈作品，把心路歴程演譯出來。拍第一個舞蹈視頻那天是周五, 十一月二十日芝加哥市封鎖，原來的拍攝埸地在周二通知我不開放。我心裡作難，一切都準備就緒，臨時要另找埸地是相當困難，全市差不多所有的舞蹈室都關門了。然而這個舞蹈拍攝不能拖延，我要做手術，而芝城解封看起來似乎遙遙無期，難道這作品要胎死腹中嗎？在百般的壓力下，我呼求祈禱問神：“我創作的一切靈感和動作都是從祢而來，現在怎辦？” 我其中的一位演員說有一個埸地有可能會開放，叫我試問一下吧。結果順利完成拍攝，那天回家途中，我的心很激動，是喜樂和感恩的激動。
完成了第一個作品後，“三部曲”的構思便印在心底，計劃二月中旬開工。在十二月底，我決定申請神學院的博士課程。這個進修的意念在去年四月份是一閃而過，當時我沒有放在心裡。然而這一份渴望好像揮之不去。十一月教會網上聚會後有另一所神學院介紹其課程，我這回心動了。繼而跟這所神學院的主管們聊，他們提議我去Fuller神學院就讀，並跟我說他們都是Fuller的博士畢業。當時申請春季截止日期很緊張，我在短短一個星期內要提交論文綱要，申請表和找到推薦人。神印證祂的旨意，我順利地被取錄。坦白說，我從小都不愛學習。每次在家長會上的評語是「老師在講課，你的小孩在講話！」然而我很喜歡閱讀，但大部分不是教科書那類書，我對有興趣的書籍，就會愛不釋手，我可以一個晚讀完一本。求主賜我智慧和能力完成四年的研究和出一部書。
開始做第二個舞蹈視頻時，一直都不順利；包括埸地和演員等的問題，我很頭痛！我有想過要放棄，甚至懷疑我是否聽錯神的旨意，不應該做這事。我求問神是否pull out from this dance filming (撤離這個舞蹈拍攝)，我願意放下，也不想背這麼多壓力。神沒有回答我，那我只有繼續干我能夠做的。當我面對難處時，是看不到神的路道和意念。我承認自己目光有限，唯有硬著頭皮繼續走下去直到神叫我停下或者開路。我疲乏和軟弱時，祂會賜我能力和力量。我再一次經歷祂的實在！
七月份的舞蹈藝術節開始籌劃了，我最大的驚喜是一個重要的聯絡人竟然是我略有所認識的一位同行，想不到她也是主內的姐妹！那有這麼巧合，神早已為我鋪路了。
我知道接下來的幾個月會面對不少的挑戰、壓力和艱難。面對學業、創作和教課可能會叫我透不過氣來。但我深信一切都在神的手裡。
有些時候，我想過優哉游哉的生活，不用面對壓力；養尊處優多幸福啊！我回想這一年來的經歴，在各樣局限當中每次看到神開路，那份恩喜遠勝舒逸無憂的生活。我仍在學習每一刻、每一天經歷神，沐浴在祂豐盛的慈愛里。
《以賽亞書》40:28-31的一段經文總結了我這一年的經歴： 28 你 豈 不 曾 知 道 麼 ？你 豈 不 曾 聽 見 麼 ？永 在 的 神 耶 和 華 ， 創 造 地 極 的 主 ， 並 不 疲 乏 ， 也 不 困 倦 ； 他 的 智 慧 無 法 測 度 。 29 疲 乏 的 ， 他 賜 能 力 ； 軟 弱 的 ， 他 加 力 量 。 30 就 是 少 年 人 也 要 疲 乏 困 倦 ； 強 壯 的 也 必 全 然 跌 倒 。 31 但 那 等 候 耶 和 華 的 必 從 新 得 力 。他 們 必 如 鷹 展 翅 上 騰 ； 他 們 奔 跑 卻 不 困 倦 ， 行 走 卻 不 疲 乏 。
關於手術一事，本是無奈, 結果卻是滿滿的祝福（刊在2020 Q4《 以馬內利的力量》)。在手術前，我想有一段日子要休養恢愎，趁著自己還能做示範動作，便創作一個舞蹈作品，把心路歴程演譯出來。拍第一個舞蹈視頻那天是周五, 十一月二十日芝加哥市封鎖，原來的拍攝埸地在周二通知我不開放。我心裡作難，一切都準備就緒，臨時要另找埸地是相當困難，全市差不多所有的舞蹈室都關門了。然而這個舞蹈拍攝不能拖延，我要做手術，而芝城解封看起來似乎遙遙無期，難道這作品要胎死腹中嗎？在百般的壓力下，我呼求祈禱問神：“我創作的一切靈感和動作都是從祢而來，現在怎辦？” 我其中的一位演員說有一個埸地有可能會開放，叫我試問一下吧。結果順利完成拍攝，那天回家途中，我的心很激動，是喜樂和感恩的激動。
完成了第一個作品後，“三部曲”的構思便印在心底，計劃二月中旬開工。在十二月底，我決定申請神學院的博士課程。這個進修的意念在去年四月份是一閃而過，當時我沒有放在心裡。然而這一份渴望好像揮之不去。十一月教會網上聚會後有另一所神學院介紹其課程，我這回心動了。繼而跟這所神學院的主管們聊，他們提議我去Fuller神學院就讀，並跟我說他們都是Fuller的博士畢業。當時申請春季截止日期很緊張，我在短短一個星期內要提交論文綱要，申請表和找到推薦人。神印證祂的旨意，我順利地被取錄。坦白說，我從小都不愛學習。每次在家長會上的評語是「老師在講課，你的小孩在講話！」然而我很喜歡閱讀，但大部分不是教科書那類書，我對有興趣的書籍，就會愛不釋手，我可以一個晚讀完一本。求主賜我智慧和能力完成四年的研究和出一部書。
開始做第二個舞蹈視頻時，一直都不順利；包括埸地和演員等的問題，我很頭痛！我有想過要放棄，甚至懷疑我是否聽錯神的旨意，不應該做這事。我求問神是否pull out from this dance filming (撤離這個舞蹈拍攝)，我願意放下，也不想背這麼多壓力。神沒有回答我，那我只有繼續干我能夠做的。當我面對難處時，是看不到神的路道和意念。我承認自己目光有限，唯有硬著頭皮繼續走下去直到神叫我停下或者開路。我疲乏和軟弱時，祂會賜我能力和力量。我再一次經歷祂的實在！
七月份的舞蹈藝術節開始籌劃了，我最大的驚喜是一個重要的聯絡人竟然是我略有所認識的一位同行，想不到她也是主內的姐妹！那有這麼巧合，神早已為我鋪路了。
我知道接下來的幾個月會面對不少的挑戰、壓力和艱難。面對學業、創作和教課可能會叫我透不過氣來。但我深信一切都在神的手裡。
有些時候，我想過優哉游哉的生活，不用面對壓力；養尊處優多幸福啊！我回想這一年來的經歴，在各樣局限當中每次看到神開路，那份恩喜遠勝舒逸無憂的生活。我仍在學習每一刻、每一天經歷神，沐浴在祂豐盛的慈愛里。
真理是什麼呢？
黃家慶
黃家慶
猶太官長定了耶穌的罪之後，因權限無法判他死刑，就將他押往羅馬總督彼拉多前。 （約18:31）在彼拉多審問耶穌的時候，他要查清他的罪名，就重複問他，“你是猶太人的王嗎？”“你是王嗎？”耶穌說，”你說我是王，我為此而生，也為此來到世間，特為給真理作見證，凡屬真理的人就听我的話。”彼拉多就問，“真理是什麼呢？”（約18:33-38）。
約翰福音的記載跟其他三卷福音書很多不同，因為約翰寫他的福音書的時候，其他三卷書已經流傳很廣，所以他寫的是其他作品沒有㝍的，而且在他老年經過很多思考經歷之後，又在聖靈引導下寫了最神學性的福音書。多年前三一神學院的新約教授鮑維均博士在我們教會的退修會講約𨌺福音的時候，說1:14是關於耶穌最重要的形容，“道成了肉身，住在我們中間，充充滿滿地有恩典有真理…”英文聖經新國際版及新美國版都是說他充滿了恩典和真理，“…full of grace and truth.” 約翰福音也是“真理”一詞出現最多的新約書卷，加上約翰的書信，“真理”出現的次數比舊約出現最多的詩篇還多，可見約翰對“真理”的重視。 “真理”在約翰福音中出現的第一次就是以上的1:14，第二次是1:17，“律法本是藉著摩西傳的，恩典和真理都是由耶穌基督來的。”而最後一次就是在以上彼拉多的問題中。在充滿真理的主耶穌面前，彼拉多這高官竟然不知道真理是什麼，他雖然對猶太人再三的說“我查不出他有什麼罪來”（18:38，19:4，6）最後還是將耶穌交給他們去釘十字架（19:16）。這就是不公義的政客的態度及行為。
今天大多數的政客不也一樣嗎？真理是什麼呢？人真是不能分辨真假嗎？還是不願意接受真相？幾年前才知道現在已經不是後現代主義（postmodernism)而是後真理(post-truth)時代了，人們相信自己所喜歡的就可以了。現在已經是假消息疫情的時代，比新冠疫情更可怕，我們要如何去面對呢？耶穌對彼拉多說，“凡屬真理的人就听我的話。”（18:37）他又對信他的猶太人說過，“你們若常常遵守我的道，就真是我的門徒，你們必曉得真理，真理必叫你們得以自由”（8:31，32）。主也對門徒門說，“我就是（唯一的）道路，真理，生命，若不藉著我，沒有人能到父那裡去。”（14:6）在最後晚餐後，主為門徒禱告祈求天父“求你用真理使他們成聖，你的道就是真理………我為他們的原故，自己分別為聖，叫他們也因真理成聖。”（17:17-19）願我們明白真理，跟隨真理的主，得著真正的自由。
約翰福音的記載跟其他三卷福音書很多不同，因為約翰寫他的福音書的時候，其他三卷書已經流傳很廣，所以他寫的是其他作品沒有㝍的，而且在他老年經過很多思考經歷之後，又在聖靈引導下寫了最神學性的福音書。多年前三一神學院的新約教授鮑維均博士在我們教會的退修會講約𨌺福音的時候，說1:14是關於耶穌最重要的形容，“道成了肉身，住在我們中間，充充滿滿地有恩典有真理…”英文聖經新國際版及新美國版都是說他充滿了恩典和真理，“…full of grace and truth.” 約翰福音也是“真理”一詞出現最多的新約書卷，加上約翰的書信，“真理”出現的次數比舊約出現最多的詩篇還多，可見約翰對“真理”的重視。 “真理”在約翰福音中出現的第一次就是以上的1:14，第二次是1:17，“律法本是藉著摩西傳的，恩典和真理都是由耶穌基督來的。”而最後一次就是在以上彼拉多的問題中。在充滿真理的主耶穌面前，彼拉多這高官竟然不知道真理是什麼，他雖然對猶太人再三的說“我查不出他有什麼罪來”（18:38，19:4，6）最後還是將耶穌交給他們去釘十字架（19:16）。這就是不公義的政客的態度及行為。
今天大多數的政客不也一樣嗎？真理是什麼呢？人真是不能分辨真假嗎？還是不願意接受真相？幾年前才知道現在已經不是後現代主義（postmodernism)而是後真理(post-truth)時代了，人們相信自己所喜歡的就可以了。現在已經是假消息疫情的時代，比新冠疫情更可怕，我們要如何去面對呢？耶穌對彼拉多說，“凡屬真理的人就听我的話。”（18:37）他又對信他的猶太人說過，“你們若常常遵守我的道，就真是我的門徒，你們必曉得真理，真理必叫你們得以自由”（8:31，32）。主也對門徒門說，“我就是（唯一的）道路，真理，生命，若不藉著我，沒有人能到父那裡去。”（14:6）在最後晚餐後，主為門徒禱告祈求天父“求你用真理使他們成聖，你的道就是真理………我為他們的原故，自己分別為聖，叫他們也因真理成聖。”（17:17-19）願我們明白真理，跟隨真理的主，得著真正的自由。
感恩
Laurie
Laurie
疫情困擾了我們一年多了，這一年經歷了許多不同的恩典，神賜下寶貴的話語讓我們剛強壯膽向前走，讓我們更加知道神是自有永有的，不會因為環境的改變而改變的，是唯一可以信賴的。神使人有聰明智慧發明了疫苗來対抗病毒，這全是神的大能，神的奇妙恩典。
更加感恩的事，一月二十八日晚上收到大女兒的電，因為疫情的原因，他們夫婦早上進行核酸檢測報告呈陰性，晚上就入院待產，那天晚上剛好有粵語祈禱會，弟兄姐妹一起為了我的女兒來祈禱，感謝弟兄姊妹們的的同心禱告，第二天收到女婿來電說八點多，女兒平安順利誕下嬰兒，母子平安，這全部都是神奇妙的安排和禱告的力量，感謝神聽我們的禱告，願榮耀歸於神！衪是賜平安和健康的神！我們的一切都是神所賜的，感謝讚美神!
更加感恩的事，一月二十八日晚上收到大女兒的電，因為疫情的原因，他們夫婦早上進行核酸檢測報告呈陰性，晚上就入院待產，那天晚上剛好有粵語祈禱會，弟兄姐妹一起為了我的女兒來祈禱，感謝弟兄姊妹們的的同心禱告，第二天收到女婿來電說八點多，女兒平安順利誕下嬰兒，母子平安，這全部都是神奇妙的安排和禱告的力量，感謝神聽我們的禱告，願榮耀歸於神！衪是賜平安和健康的神！我們的一切都是神所賜的，感謝讚美神!
心得
文娟
文娟
2020年真的是不平凡的一年。這一年當中大大小小事情發生很多。剛步入2020年時我已經工作整一年，我們剛放假便爆發了新冠疫情。我們趕在武漢封城前離開了武漢，回到了娘家山西，一呆便是一百天。再次回到武漢已是五一，春暖花開了。過年在家還計劃著開年後給公公買一套小戶型房子，這樣公公退休了可以安心養老，家人也可以多團聚一下。
沒過多久公公打電話過來說有點不舒服，我們急忙把他接到家裡來，帶去醫院做檢查。我們都覺得應當沒什麼事情，畢竟公公平素身體也健康。等拿到檢查結果的時候，醫生說是惡性腫瘤並且屬於晚期。聽到這個消息我跟國棟都有點難以置信，心情很低落。公公才61歲，剛退休半年，辛苦了大半輩子，剛開始準備享受晚年生活，就得了重病。我們也不願意告知公公，怕他有心理負擔，僅僅告訴他做完手術就好了。由於急需手術，便托導師推薦了一個不錯的醫生，手術做完已是7月份。手術做的非常成功，所有腫瘤組織全部切除。國棟在醫院照顧公公。我在家帶2個小孩，公公出院後醫生囑咐好好休養一段時間，我們便悉心照料他的飲食起居。
兩個月後，公公說傷口沒有長好，並且總感覺到痛，我們再次去醫院檢查，醫生說癌細胞已經全身轉移，接下來便安排了第一療程的化療。化療一次後，他整個人的狀態便大不如前，等到第二次化療的時候，醫生說公公身體已經不適合化療了，太虛弱了。只能輸營養液，期間親友都來探望公公，陪伴他最後一段時間，我們也盡力滿足他的要求和願望。
兩個月後公公很安詳的走了。這半年時間我們雖然很辛苦，但是感恩一切都有神的眷顧，神知道我們還是年輕人，不懂這些習俗，安排了善良的舅媽一路幫我們張羅，料理後事。今年春節我們在家守喪，親戚們也都來探望我們，安慰我們。雖然地上的父不在了，但天上的父卻依然愛著我們。地上的時日總是短暫的，在神那裡才有永恆。
過去的一年雖有眼淚、擔憂，但神也一直看顧我們，保守我們全家人的健康。兩個孩子已慢慢長大，每天和自己的玩伴一起快樂成長。國棟也申請到了國家優秀青年基金，這既是對在美國將近5年科研成果的一種肯定，也提供了一個更高的平台，可以支持未來10年的科研規劃。我自己也一切安好，做好本職工作後陪伴照顧好家人。雖然有時會因小事煩躁，此時一個聲音總在提醒我“神的恩典夠我用”。
新的一年，希望疫情盡快過去，線下聚會能夠盡快恢復，感覺自己已經迫不及待要去教會做禮拜，聆聽神的話語。也希望神能夠賜給我們一個適合的小組讓我們夫妻二人，兩個孩子都能夠得到餵養，沐浴在神的愛中。
沒過多久公公打電話過來說有點不舒服，我們急忙把他接到家裡來，帶去醫院做檢查。我們都覺得應當沒什麼事情，畢竟公公平素身體也健康。等拿到檢查結果的時候，醫生說是惡性腫瘤並且屬於晚期。聽到這個消息我跟國棟都有點難以置信，心情很低落。公公才61歲，剛退休半年，辛苦了大半輩子，剛開始準備享受晚年生活，就得了重病。我們也不願意告知公公，怕他有心理負擔，僅僅告訴他做完手術就好了。由於急需手術，便托導師推薦了一個不錯的醫生，手術做完已是7月份。手術做的非常成功，所有腫瘤組織全部切除。國棟在醫院照顧公公。我在家帶2個小孩，公公出院後醫生囑咐好好休養一段時間，我們便悉心照料他的飲食起居。
兩個月後，公公說傷口沒有長好，並且總感覺到痛，我們再次去醫院檢查，醫生說癌細胞已經全身轉移，接下來便安排了第一療程的化療。化療一次後，他整個人的狀態便大不如前，等到第二次化療的時候，醫生說公公身體已經不適合化療了，太虛弱了。只能輸營養液，期間親友都來探望公公，陪伴他最後一段時間，我們也盡力滿足他的要求和願望。
兩個月後公公很安詳的走了。這半年時間我們雖然很辛苦，但是感恩一切都有神的眷顧，神知道我們還是年輕人，不懂這些習俗，安排了善良的舅媽一路幫我們張羅，料理後事。今年春節我們在家守喪，親戚們也都來探望我們，安慰我們。雖然地上的父不在了，但天上的父卻依然愛著我們。地上的時日總是短暫的，在神那裡才有永恆。
過去的一年雖有眼淚、擔憂，但神也一直看顧我們，保守我們全家人的健康。兩個孩子已慢慢長大，每天和自己的玩伴一起快樂成長。國棟也申請到了國家優秀青年基金，這既是對在美國將近5年科研成果的一種肯定，也提供了一個更高的平台，可以支持未來10年的科研規劃。我自己也一切安好，做好本職工作後陪伴照顧好家人。雖然有時會因小事煩躁，此時一個聲音總在提醒我“神的恩典夠我用”。
新的一年，希望疫情盡快過去，線下聚會能夠盡快恢復，感覺自己已經迫不及待要去教會做禮拜，聆聽神的話語。也希望神能夠賜給我們一個適合的小組讓我們夫妻二人，兩個孩子都能夠得到餵養，沐浴在神的愛中。
一切交託給主
小羅
小羅
接到G姐的通知說要我們回國的弟兄姐妹們分享下自己國內的近況。感覺很是慚愧，不知道該從哪方面來進行分享，就簡簡單單的回憶下自己這兩年的一些感受吧。
時間真的過得飛快，靜靜的回想，自己在美國度過的那段難以忘卻的時光。仍然記得剛到芝加哥那個夏日陽光明媚的下午，陸弟兄領著我坐公交到埃文斯頓，他穿著秋季的外套，我穿著短袖；也記得第一次到教會禮拜，王牧師講道，主題是悔改，陸弟兄聽後決誌了，我差點睡著了；也還記得自己剛拿到駕照，凌晨4、5點鐘獨自一人開車到芝加哥南部J Park參加人生中第一次馬拉松，去參賽路上的緊張與完賽后回家的喜悅經常在自己腦海裡浮現；不能忘，2018年8月5日我受洗成為一名基督徒，那天是緊張、擔憂也是充滿著喜悅；不能忘，有一次去N姐家查完經回家的路上，突然抬頭看到遠方的一輪圓月，在夜空的照耀下是那麼的透亮乾淨，心中卻是五味雜陳；不能忘，離開芝加哥的那一天，天灰濛蒙的，和朋友們告完別，不捨。那一年，酸甜苦辣，歡聚離別，生活就是這樣，平淡卻充滿滋味。
回國後很快就遇到了這場舉世罕見的新冠疫情，武漢成為全世界的中心，我們的常規生活都被打亂。疫情開始的日子，同事們一個個的被感染，防護物資奇缺，那麼多的人得不到及時的醫治，不知道自己到底有沒有中招，在隔離的那段日子裡這種對未來一種未知的恐懼時時圍繞在心頭。後來由於疫情的嚴重，武漢舉世罕見的封城，每天要為吃什麼喝什麼擔心害怕。很快武漢的疫情得到了很好的控制，一年以來武漢疫情沒有出現大的反彈，一切基本回歸正常。這一年，太快，太複雜，不知道用什麼詞來形容。
我在回想，這兩年以來這種劇烈的變動，究竟給我帶來了什麼。前幾天，我科室一弟兄發我一個鏈接，裡面講到了上帝與亞伯拉罕立下的約“你和你的後裔必世世代代遵守我的約。”（《創世紀》17：9）。我和主立下的約是什麼呢？我突然想到，在禱告時對主所說的一句話：一切交託在主的手中，求主的保守。回想在疫情的那段時間，我在沒有充足防護裝備的情況下，多次與新冠病人密切接觸，後來也安全無事，非常不可思議。原來我們與主立好了約，一切只需交託給他，活在主的旨意裡，不必憂慮。正如《詩篇》37篇5節：“當將你的事交託耶和華，並倚靠祂，祂就必成全。”
就像在接到G姐通知要我寫一篇分享的文章，我抓耳撓腮，不知道寫什麼，本身自己也不是一個善於寫文章的人，也想過拒絕，因為最近在準備一個很重要的考試，時間很緊，但是之前已經答應了也不好反悔，我就向主禱告：一切交託在祂的手中，求主的保守。
以上是我的一些小小的感想，分享予兄弟姊妹，最後求主保守大家平安喜樂，把一切交託在主的手中！阿們！
時間真的過得飛快，靜靜的回想，自己在美國度過的那段難以忘卻的時光。仍然記得剛到芝加哥那個夏日陽光明媚的下午，陸弟兄領著我坐公交到埃文斯頓，他穿著秋季的外套，我穿著短袖；也記得第一次到教會禮拜，王牧師講道，主題是悔改，陸弟兄聽後決誌了，我差點睡著了；也還記得自己剛拿到駕照，凌晨4、5點鐘獨自一人開車到芝加哥南部J Park參加人生中第一次馬拉松，去參賽路上的緊張與完賽后回家的喜悅經常在自己腦海裡浮現；不能忘，2018年8月5日我受洗成為一名基督徒，那天是緊張、擔憂也是充滿著喜悅；不能忘，有一次去N姐家查完經回家的路上，突然抬頭看到遠方的一輪圓月，在夜空的照耀下是那麼的透亮乾淨，心中卻是五味雜陳；不能忘，離開芝加哥的那一天，天灰濛蒙的，和朋友們告完別，不捨。那一年，酸甜苦辣，歡聚離別，生活就是這樣，平淡卻充滿滋味。
回國後很快就遇到了這場舉世罕見的新冠疫情，武漢成為全世界的中心，我們的常規生活都被打亂。疫情開始的日子，同事們一個個的被感染，防護物資奇缺，那麼多的人得不到及時的醫治，不知道自己到底有沒有中招，在隔離的那段日子裡這種對未來一種未知的恐懼時時圍繞在心頭。後來由於疫情的嚴重，武漢舉世罕見的封城，每天要為吃什麼喝什麼擔心害怕。很快武漢的疫情得到了很好的控制，一年以來武漢疫情沒有出現大的反彈，一切基本回歸正常。這一年，太快，太複雜，不知道用什麼詞來形容。
我在回想，這兩年以來這種劇烈的變動，究竟給我帶來了什麼。前幾天，我科室一弟兄發我一個鏈接，裡面講到了上帝與亞伯拉罕立下的約“你和你的後裔必世世代代遵守我的約。”（《創世紀》17：9）。我和主立下的約是什麼呢？我突然想到，在禱告時對主所說的一句話：一切交託在主的手中，求主的保守。回想在疫情的那段時間，我在沒有充足防護裝備的情況下，多次與新冠病人密切接觸，後來也安全無事，非常不可思議。原來我們與主立好了約，一切只需交託給他，活在主的旨意裡，不必憂慮。正如《詩篇》37篇5節：“當將你的事交託耶和華，並倚靠祂，祂就必成全。”
就像在接到G姐通知要我寫一篇分享的文章，我抓耳撓腮，不知道寫什麼，本身自己也不是一個善於寫文章的人，也想過拒絕，因為最近在準備一個很重要的考試，時間很緊，但是之前已經答應了也不好反悔，我就向主禱告：一切交託在祂的手中，求主的保守。
以上是我的一些小小的感想，分享予兄弟姊妹，最後求主保守大家平安喜樂，把一切交託在主的手中！阿們！
分享
路加
路加
弟兄姐妹平安！很想念大家！一晃眼離開大家已經14個月了，這14個月以來發生太多的事，恍如隔世。我們一家在2020年1月份回到上海以後，我便一個人前往新西蘭去找房子安頓家。好不容易在租房競爭極為激烈的情況下找到了一個臨時住所，然後又花了很多努力找到了一個適合全家居住的房子，正準備迎接家人的到來，不料新冠疫情全球肆虐，新西蘭也關閉了邊境。
在和家人分開的時間裡，我時刻關注邊境管控的政策，並尋求一切可以和家人團聚的方法。在不斷的盼望、嘗試、和失望的循環往復中，不知不覺2020年即將過去。 12月底，我終於回到了上海與家人團聚。如今我們全家都已經拿到了入境許可。我和Michelle打算在3月中旬在上海接種新冠疫苗，到4月底帶者孩子們一起去新西蘭。
感謝神在我們去一年中的指引和同在，也感謝神在我們不斷地盼望和等候中終於讓我們全家得以團聚。 2020年對我們，和對很多的弟兄姐妹來說可能都是非常困難的一年。我想也藉此機會與大家分享我們在困難中的盼望和等候。
我的外婆是個老基督徒，她總說：一天的日子一天過，神總有祂的大計劃，我們要做的就是耐心等候。正如《耶利米哀歌》3：25中所寫的那樣：凡等候耶和華，心裡尋求祂的，耶和華必施恩給他。在等候神的同時，也不住的禱告：要常常喜樂，不住的禱告，凡事謝恩，因為這是神在基督耶穌裡向你們所定的旨意。 （《帖撒羅尼迦前書》5：16-18）前面的路未知，但是相信與主同行，祂就是我們的盾牌，我們的力量，我們什麼都不必懼怕。願所做所行所說的都能討神的喜悅，放下自己，降低降低再降低，好叫神的一切的旨意都能行在我們之上。
願2021年神與兄弟姐妹們同在，與懷恩堂同在。也祝兄弟姐妹們在牛年牛氣沖天，福氣滿滿。
在和家人分開的時間裡，我時刻關注邊境管控的政策，並尋求一切可以和家人團聚的方法。在不斷的盼望、嘗試、和失望的循環往復中，不知不覺2020年即將過去。 12月底，我終於回到了上海與家人團聚。如今我們全家都已經拿到了入境許可。我和Michelle打算在3月中旬在上海接種新冠疫苗，到4月底帶者孩子們一起去新西蘭。
感謝神在我們去一年中的指引和同在，也感謝神在我們不斷地盼望和等候中終於讓我們全家得以團聚。 2020年對我們，和對很多的弟兄姐妹來說可能都是非常困難的一年。我想也藉此機會與大家分享我們在困難中的盼望和等候。
我的外婆是個老基督徒，她總說：一天的日子一天過，神總有祂的大計劃，我們要做的就是耐心等候。正如《耶利米哀歌》3：25中所寫的那樣：凡等候耶和華，心裡尋求祂的，耶和華必施恩給他。在等候神的同時，也不住的禱告：要常常喜樂，不住的禱告，凡事謝恩，因為這是神在基督耶穌裡向你們所定的旨意。 （《帖撒羅尼迦前書》5：16-18）前面的路未知，但是相信與主同行，祂就是我們的盾牌，我們的力量，我們什麼都不必懼怕。願所做所行所說的都能討神的喜悅，放下自己，降低降低再降低，好叫神的一切的旨意都能行在我們之上。
願2021年神與兄弟姐妹們同在，與懷恩堂同在。也祝兄弟姐妹們在牛年牛氣沖天，福氣滿滿。
在深谷中/憂鬱就是失去信心嗎？
威爾遜 牧師 著 黃家慶 譯
威爾遜 牧師 著 黃家慶 譯
很多人以為一個有真正信心的人不可能經歷憂鬱，他們的理由是因為聖靈所結的果子包括喜樂和平安，所以我們不會傷心或情感波動。那些人不明白聖經。我在2019年6月的季刊中寫過有關憂鬱的文章，但我因怯懦而以“沮喪”名之。在那文中我寫的原則也適用於憂鬱，我也是從個人經歷中與大家分享。
我知道神掌管一切而祂是全能的，但有時候我深信我是在阻礙神的計劃而不是作為成就祂計劃的器皿。我承認我曾經在深淵裡自問：“有什麼用呢？”我承認我曾懷疑我的生命有價值嗎？雖然神已賜給我很好的經驗及讓我成就了許多我想作的事。在我生命中有幾次我覺得在流沙中浮沉，我想若真的沉下去就不需要再掙扎了。
一個猶太朋友對我的低潮挑戰，他強調（真正是褻瀆的）我在我的行業中是很重要的，也是人人都認識的。但他不知道他所見到我成功的每一件事，我卻感覺是在假裝。他也不知道他看到我成就的每一件事後面，我覺得有一百萬件事我不敢或無力去嘗試。我的基督徒朋友們更差勁，他們會說一些像'神真好，永遠都好'的話，但我只想到的是神雖然是好，但我卻不很好；甚至當我想得到神的恩典時，我也覺得不配。
或者讀者中也有人不明白，我想牧師Henri Nouwen所寫的最淸楚：“我深信每一個人的苦痛是沒有其他人可以感受到的。”（Life of the Beloved, p.87)你不能從你的角度看到我為什麼會在憂鬱中受苦（是真的受苦），就正如我不能從我的角度明白你在你的痛苦、失去、懷疑、或不安全時所感受到的。
在世上很多人認為憂鬱是自憐，是假病。在美國南部有一個醫生的感受被一同事漠視了，後者說（我是直接用他的話，雖然我不想）：“憂鬱？地獄，小子，那是弱者的病！”(Kathy Cronkite, On the Edge of Darkness: Conversations About Conquering Depression, p. 79).
我知道言語不是傷口的膏药，正如瑞士心理學家Paul Tournier 所寫：“你不能用字典來釋放心靈。我們是面對生命；生命是被承受及感覺而不是被思想的東西。”（Guilt and Grace,p. 92) 但是言語仍然是可以表達我們關切的登陸灘。言語固然不足，但仍可以稍微表示我們的所在及去向。
我說過聖經清楚什麼是憂鬱，雖然它沒有說亞伯蘭憂鬱及放棄地對神說他接受了大馬色人以利以謝是承受他家業的，但他好像是說：“那有什麼分別呢？”。當以利亞從耶洗別那裡逃跑時，他是以為他的有效事工已經完蛋而向神求死（《王上》19:35）。他剛剛参予了一個最驚人的神蹟，但恐懼及絕望使他逃跑，幸好他本能使他正確地跑向神的山。
我與以利亞有同感，不是因為神在我的事工上行過神蹟，而是因為我感受到他那種當你以為神用你產生了一個突破而那突破卻好像沒有作用的感覺。以利亞剛才從天召火下來燒掉了被水濕透的祭牲（閃電的地緣？），又絕對的羞辱（並處死）了對抗他的巴力先知們。當耶洗別王后發出要殺他的命令時，他一定想“有什麼用？”，雖然神以神蹟肯定了他，但他仍然覺得他樹敵太多。
我稱這為高山-低谷綜合症，有些人聽過我講過這樣的道，就是好像我們在山峰上看到一切都很清楚，知道如何前去時卻突然間又經驗到很困難的低谷。當你以為前途渺茫、四面群山環繞很難攀登時，你很容易就會覺得舉步唯艱。
在這主題下，我們再看一個個例子。摩西在没燒毀的荊棘前被神差派，但他下山告訴家人他要作什麼事的時候，何事發生呢？不多久他的太太就生氣，割了他兒子的陽皮並將這血淋淋的東西丟到他腳下。他想要行神的旨意，但隨之而來的是憤怒詛咒的妻子及被割下（雖說是聖潔）的一片血肉。他去到埃及將神的信息傳遞了，法老卻用他的權力使以色列人的處境更加艱難。從《出埃及記》5:23我們可以看到摩西對他的使命的感受，主要是：“我作了你要我作的，而事情反而更糟糕了！”我懷疑摩西會繼續有勁，但他仍按照神的命令去行。他每次都被法老拒絕，甚至在紅海前百姓指控他要帶他們死在曠野。 （《出》14:10-12）在曠野漂流不久，摩西就舉起雙手向神問他可以作什麼呢？因為百姓想要殺他。 （《出》17:4）百姓好像用任何藉口去攻擊摩西。若我是摩西，我相當確定會留在帳幕里或在山上而不會跟那些經常在路旁抨擊我的人在一起。我們見到摩西的絕望但看不到他的憂鬱，我相信這肯定存在，但我想他只是緊抓著神而繼續堅持下去，雖然他會埋怨及憤怒。
一個研究院的同學得著我渴求的獎學金，他還與一教授合作寫書，更在比我好的周末教會任職。他的長處如高山，他應該覺得前途無限。但當他預備博士學位面試時，他看到的高山是，每個教授都可以在各個半日考試中提問任何問題，這令他感到非常大的壓力，叫他寸步難行。他進了精神病院一段時間，他出院之後陸續返回家中及教會，但沒有回去繼續他的博士課程。為什麼這麼難？他所看到的前途，本會給他光明及喜樂的目標，如今卻竟然變得難以達到。我所知的是，他後來覺得牧會及家庭更能給他喜樂，而無能及絕望的感覺令他放棄他的雄心壯志。
再回到聖經的人物，約伯又怎樣呢？他什麼都有：財富，名聲，家庭，及（最少是‘好景時的）朋友。他被人看為是信心的模範。但到了第三章他就有自殺的念頭了。他詛咒自己的生日，又願自己沒被生下來（3:3，11，16，23）請特別留意23節中什麼都曾有的約伯問神為什麼會給他生命，然後又令他四面受困呢！ 。
這也是我的神學教職之門因宗派政治而被（暫時）關閉時我對神呼召的感覺。我做了一切應做的：我從學生們的反應知道我的教學非常有效，但是好像我一生多年所投資的結果是個死胡同。我退縮，我嘗試不再事奉，我想自殺，我更進一步到憂鬱的另一原因——羞恥。
但我們不要忘了可憐的約伯。他如何能得以回到正常狀態呢？他面對神，但在這之前，他要先聽取那些從神秘主義出發的辯論，說他需要更多尋求神；他聽到從歷史的角度來思考人力能改變事情；他也聽到傳統宗教的論點，說他只要認罪就會好過一些。他在三十多章中站穩自己的立場跟他們辯論，他誠實的抗議及反駁，他指控那些來安慰他的人使情況更糟糕。我相信他若活在今天，很多教會的’好‘會友會遠避他，但神卻看他寶貴，要將他從下滑的旋渦中救上來。面對神的真實，甚至是以風暴等自然現象化妝的背後，是不容易的，但神卻把他救活了。對某些人來說，罪疚感可能是憂鬱的原因之一，甚至是不自覺的，可能只是覺得沒有盡上對某人或某群體的責任。對另一些人而言，會是羞恥之心。在此我想很簡短的分辨罪感及恥感的不同，Kathy Escobar 曾在一本有關的靈修書引述Brene Brown 所說的：“罪感是’我做了不好的事’，而恥感則是’我不好’”。“（A Weary World: Reflections of a Blue Christmas, p.42).
若你仔細的讀，很多詩篇是以描述絶望及憂鬱的情景開始但以寬恕及拯救的確據作結束，詩人好像找到了穩固的立足點，例如在69篇詩人寫著：你，你完全知道我如何被辱罵，我的羞恥和我的侮辱，我的所有敵人都在你的面前，（20）辱罵傷透了我的意志（心），我很不適；於是我尋求安慰，但找不到，我尋找安慰者，但也找不著（21）。（按Pastor Johnny的翻譯）
但最後詩人應許要讚美感謝神，他心中大概不會覺得好很多，但他作了一個明確的決定要專注於神且相信神會幫助。這是這類詩篇中重複出現的，這也是約拿在大魚裡面禱告的模式。 （《拿》2）。
但是我們不能説一句好像汽車保護槓貼紙上説的‘耶穌是答案’就了事。正如Escobar很好的分享：”雖然我相信耶穌是偉大的羞恥毀滅者，那樣的回應常常會增加羞恥並意味著若我們行得對就不會有那些感覺了，但情況不是那麼簡單。要解除羞恥的初步方法之一是誠實，跟一些安全的人承認它的存在，這些人不會改造你，不會輕視事實，也不會論斷你。“（p.43)
能講出我們的感受跟在教會中所說的認罪很相近。不幸的是認罪是包含了承認我們的罪的思想。這是一部分，但我們也要公開承認我們與神的關係（不應該是負面的）。這也應包括分享我們的感受（可以是正面或負面的，但不應被審斷）。
當我以前看自己是失敗者的時候，我最不想要的是另一個牧師給我的輔導，我也不相信要見一個所謂基督徒的輔導員，因為我認識一個人，當他正要超越一個道德問題時，他的所謂基督徒輔導員突然決定他的道德責任（但職業道德上是不可以的）是要跟一個當地的牧師（不是他個人的牧師）說出他的道德問題。就這樣，我的朋友被擊碎了，不能完全恢復過來。這也毀了他的家，更沒有給神動工的時間（神已經在他的生命中工作）
家父是我永不相信他會認同世俗精神病醫生的人，但當他知道我不會去找同道,會友,或基督徒輔導員來解決我的心理問題時，他說：“我兒，或許你需要藥物。去找神為你預備的幫助不是羞恥的事情。”。
最諷刺的是我找到的精神科醫生是一個信徒而他明白我的感受。可幸的是他的教會背景與我不同，所以他完全不認識我的同僚們。他給我藥物，幫助我太活躍的腦袋靜下來維持平衡。但在我接受藥物的幫助之前，我需要説出我的問題。我覺得我是假冒的，無法繼續下去了，情況好像我扔了太多碟子在空中而不能一一接住，以致碟子都在我四周摔碎了，然後我覺得自己無能，感到羞愧，無法繼續活動。當我開始承認我會被氣候,工作量,期望,自覺不足及無助的情緒影響時，我就可以看清楚我每天除了這些因素之外，我可以如何達到我想要活出的自己。我的問題是我看不清我的去向的整個圖景，以致我往內裡坍塌。我只是勇敢地做這做那，趕交這趕交那，但永不覺得有掌控權。
所以要脫離憂鬱的第一步是誠實地説出你自己的無能、羞恥、挫敗及不能活動的感覺。正如Kathy Cronkite (前新聞報導員及憂鬱症患者的女兒）所寫的：”我們不能退縮，保持靜默就是增長痛苦⋯”(p.82).
第二步是開始找出你能掌控的一些小事情，這是我的信仰能夠幫助我的地方。很多詩篇哀歌最後是讃美感謝或寬恕，這不是偶然的。我不能立刻改變我的無助感，但我可以選擇說出讚美感謝的話。讚美和感謝是你的選擇，不是感覺，但你會詫異你說出來的話有時會令你的情緒變得有勁，也令你的內腓肽出來應付你的情緒的痛苦。
不要擔心，這不是Pastor Johnny 在賣膏藥，也不是Dr. Johnny 的萬能療法，這只是讓問題回歸正軌的一部分。
第三步是診斷出那些令你不開心的無關緊要的東西，然後找出如何減少它們的方法。對信徒而言，這是禱告過程的一部分。古老的詞彙就是‘洞察’，意思是分辨好壞，聖潔與否，有用或有害等，基督徒相信聖靈會幫助我們分辨。
第四步是重新發現你的福氣。什麼真正對你有作用呢？我讀過一個故事是有關一個電視名喜劇明星的，她的夫婿自殺了。她察覺他出問題是他停止了閱讀。他以前很喜歡閱讀，但他突然停止了。一個常看電影的人突然不看電影，一個歌者不再去唱詩班，一個演員不去試演，一個牧師不再講道，一個作家不再寫作,一個美食家不再關心飲食，一個高爾夫球能手不再打高爾夫球，一個健身人士不再去健身室
…… 這些都是憂鬱症的症狀。重新發現你的福氣就是重新發現你所喜愛的，無論是什麼，然後找時間去做。
第五步是找一些有意義的事情。對信徒而言，是找出我們的屬靈恩賜及怎樣能用在神的國度裡的才能。我們可以如何分享神的愛？我們可以如何幫助別人？什麼工作能叫我們滿足又能幫助人的需要？
Sir Winston Churchill 有抑鬱的問題，甚至曾有自殺念頭，他稱之為一隻大黑狗。然而，在必要情況下他有辦法打開一條生路。回頭看，也可能是他的太太把他從黑暗中推出去，以致他能成就全世界都認為是英勇的成就。聖靈是能夠推動我們前進並打退Churchill 所謂的大黑狗的動力。但重要的是，雖然我㝍了很多患者應做的事，但聖靈更會使用人。患者不需要別人的論斷，但有些人或許需要另一信徒扮演我父親的角色提示，就是說： “知道嗎，你可以尋求幫助，因為是神供應的。” 另一些人可能需要另一信徒說： “我知道你不覺得你能完全恢復過來，但我們可以一起做這件我們都喜愛的事嗎？” 那樣的事不一定是教會的活動。
我們都認識一些（最少你認識我）經歷憂鬱的人，無論原因是什麼，生化的，處境的，靈性的，身體的，或幾種以上原因的，他們都需要禱告及勉勵。你甚至可以給他們分享這篇文章，只要告訴他，他可能會驚異某某人也有同樣的問題。
Johnny L. Wilson
Down in the Valley
Does Depression Mean I’ve Lost My Faith?
Many people believe that it is impossible for a person of authentic faith to experience depression. They reason that because two of the fruits of the Holy Spirit are joy and peace, we shouldn’t ever be, respectively, down or upset. Those people don’t know the Bible. I wrote about depression in the June Quarterly for 2019, but I cowardly called it discouragement. The principles that I shared in that article apply to depression and I wrote it from some of my personal experience.
I know God is in charge and I know God can do anything, but there have been times when I was convinced that I was more of an obstacle to God’s plan than a vessel serving God’s plan. I confess that I have even been so low in the canyon that I asked, “What’s the use?” I confess that I questioned whether my life mattered. All of this despite the fact that God has given me wonderful experiences and allowed me to accomplish a lot of the things that I always wanted to do. I have had several times in my life when I felt like I was drowning in quicksand and I just wanted to be swallowed up so that I wouldn’t have to deal with it anymore.
I have a Jewish friend who challenged my low spirits by insisting (rather profanely, actually) that I was a force to be reckoned with in my field and everyone knew me. He didn’t understand that for everything he saw where I was successful, I felt like a fraud. He didn’t understand that for everything he saw that I had accomplished, I felt there were a million more tasks that I felt too inadequate or too tired to even start working on. My Christian friends were even worse. They offered variants of “God is good! All the time, God is good!” But all I could think of was that God may be good, but I wasn’t particularly good and even when I wanted God’s goodness to come to me, I just felt guilt or shame.
Even some of you reading this article may not understand this. Yet, I think the reality is best described by a priest named Henri Nouwen, when he wrote: “I am deeply convinced that each human being suffers in a way no other human being suffers.” (Life of the Beloved, p. 87) You don’t have the perspective to understand why I might suffer depression (and it is suffering), even as I don’t have the perspective to understand why you might suffer pain, loss, doubt, or insecurity in your life.
In the secular world, a lot of people dismiss depression as self-indulgence, a fake disease. One doctor in the Southern United States had his feelings dismissed by a colleague who said (and I quote him exactly though I prefer not to use such language), “Depression? Hell, boy, that’s wimp disease!” (Kathy Cronkite, On the Edge of Darkness: Conversations About Conquering Depression, p. 79)
And I know words don’t salve the wounds. As the Swiss psychologist, Paul Tournier, wrote: “You do not relieve minds with dictionaries. We are dealing with life; and life is something which is borne and felt rather than thought.” (Guilt and Grace, p. 92) Yet, words are the markers by which we establish a beachhead to show that we care. Words aren’t enough, but words are an early indicator of where we are and where we want to be.
But I said that the Bible understood about depression. While it doesn’t say that Abram is depressed and giving up when he says to God that he would just settle for Eliezer of Damascus for his heir, it sounds like a “What’s the difference?” moment to me. When Elijah runs away from Jezebel, he assumes his effective ministry is over and begs God to kill him (I Kings 19:3-5). He had just been part of one of the most amazing miracles ever, but fear and desperation caused him to run away. The only good part was that he was instinctively running toward the mountain of God.
I can identify with Elijah not because God has worked miracles in my ministry but because I can identify with those feelings of helplessness when you think God has used you to create a breakthrough and then, it seems like said breakthrough had no effect. Elijah just called down fire from heaven to consume a sacrifice soaked with water (grounding for lightning?) and utterly humiliated (and executed) the rival priests of Baal. “What’s the use?” he must have thought when Queen Jezebel put out a death warrant on him and, despite God’s vindication in miracle, the numbers were still against him.
I call this Mountain-Valley Syndrome and some have heard me preach on it before. It seems that ever mountain-top, bird’s-eye view perspective where one thinks one understands exactly where one is going is followed almost immediately by some dismal experience in a valley. When that future you’ve seen called into question disappears so that all you can see is the difficult and dangerous peaks to climb around you, it’s easy to feel miserable about continuing the journey.
While we’re on that theme, let’s consider other examples. Moses is commissioned by God at the bush burning and not consumed. What happens when he comes down off the mountain and tells his family what he’s going to do? Before they get very far, his wife gets angry, performs an impromptu circumcision and throws the bloody foreskin of his son at his feet. Here he is trying to do God’s will and he ends up with a cursing, angry wife and a mutilated (although technically holy) piece of flesh. He gets to Egypt and delivers his message and Pharaoh uses his tyrannical powers to make things even worse for Israel. Look how Moses feels about his mission in Exodus 5:25. It’s essentially, “I did what You said and things got worse.” I doubt Moses was feeling very energized, but he kept following God’s instructions. He undergoes rejection after rejection by Pharaoh. And even just before the crossing of the Reed Sea, the people accuse him of bringing them out in the desert to kill them (Exodus 14:10-12). Early on in the desert wandering, Moses throws up his hands and asks God what he can possibly do because the people want to kill him (Exodus 17:4), It seems like the people used any excuse to turn on Moses. If I had been Moses, I’m pretty sure I would rather have spent time in the tent or on the mountain rather than around all of my roadside critics. Outside of Moses’ desperation, though, we don’t necessarily see depression. I think it had to be there. I think he just hung onto God and kept going—even though there is evidence of him becoming grumpy and angry.
One of my colleagues in graduate school had the graduate fellowship (assistantship) that I wished I had had, collaborated with one of our professors on his book series, and had a better weekend church position than I had. From the mountain of these advantages, the horizon was his for the taking. But as he prepared for his preliminary (qualifying) examinations, he looked at the difficult climbs of taking half-day exams in every subject area where the professor could ask ANYTHING in the entire subject and it became a weight that pulled him down. He just couldn’t move. He just couldn’t function. He spent time in a mental institution. He came back to his family and church, but never made it back to the doctoral program. What was so overwhelming? That view of where he thought he was going, that destination that seemed to give him light and joy, suddenly seemed denied to him. My understanding is that he found more joy in his pastorate and in his family after that, but the inertia of feelings of inadequacy and hopelessness shut down his ambition.
But back to characters in the Bible. How about Job? Job had it all: wealth, prestige, family, and (at least, “fair weather”) friends. He is looked upon elsewhere as a model of faith. Yet, he gets suicidal as early as Chapter 3. He curses the anniversary of his birth and wishes he had never been born (3:3, 11, 16, 23). Pay particular attention to verse 23 where Job who once had it all asks why God would bother to give life to a person and then hedge them into a no-win situation.
I know that’s the way I felt about my calling when denominational politics closed the door (temporarily) on my theological teaching career. I had done all I was supposed to do; I could tell from my students that I was effective; and I had invested many years of my life only to hit this apparent dead end. I withdrew into myself. I tried to leave the ministry. I had suicidal thoughts. And I progressed into another cause of depression—shame.
But let’s not forget poor Job. How did he get back to functional? He was confronted by God. But before he was confronted by God, he had to listen to those who argued from mysticism that he needed to attune himself to God, to those who argued from history that human effort could turn things around, and to those who argued from traditional religion that if he just confessed his sin, he’d feel okay. Through 30+ chapters he stands up to their arguments with honest protests and misgivings. He accuses his comforters of making things worse. I’m pretty sure he would have been shunned by “good” church members today, but God thought he was worthwhile enough to pull him out of his downward spiral. Facing God’s reality, disguised in natural phenomenon like a storm as it was, wasn’t easy, but it brought him back to life.
For some people, there is some guilt that contributes to their depression. It may not even be conscious guilt—just a feeling that one has let someone or some group down. For others, there is a sense of shame. I like a quick distinction between guilt and shame that Kathy Escobar quoted in a devotional book about Advent of all things. She quotes Brene Brown as saying, “’Guilt is ‘I did something bad’ while shame is ‘I am bad.’” (A Weary World: Reflections for a Blue Christmas, p. 42.
If you read carefully, a lot of the psalms that start off describing desperate and depressing circumstances end with an assurance of forgiveness or deliverance. It is like the psalmist again finds solid footing. For example, the poet writes in Psalm 69 [Pastor Johnny’s Translation]:
19/20 You, You know [all about] my being taunted and my shame,
my disgrace, all my opponents [are] right in front of You.
20/21 Taunts have shattered my will [“heart”] and I am ill;
so I looked for condolences but there weren’t any,
and for comforters, but I couldn’t find them.
But at the end, the poet promises praise and thanksgiving. He probably didn’t feel much better inside, but he made a positive decision to focus on God and expect God to help. This is a recurring pattern in such psalms. We even see it when Jonah prays from the insides of a “great fish” (Jonah 2).
Yet, we can’t just offer the bumper stick prescription that “Jesus is the answer.” As Escobar cogently shares: “While I believe Jesus is the great shame destroyer, that response often perpetuates more shame and implies if we behaved properly, we wouldn’t feel what we’re feeling. It’s not that simple. One of the first steps in loosening shame’s grip is acknowledging it with safe people who won’t fix, minimize, or judge—to practice honesty.” (p. 43)
To be able to say what we’re feeling is close to what we mean by “confession” in the church. Unfortunately, the idea of “confession” has been co-opted by the idea of admitting our sins. That’s part of it, but we are also supposed to “confess” aloud our relationship to God (and that shouldn’t be negative). It can also simply mean to share our feelings (which could be negative or positive, but shouldn’t be judged).
When I saw myself as a failure, the last thing I wanted to do was get counseling from a fellow pastor. And I didn’t trust seeing a so-called Christian counselor because I knew a person who was winning a moral battle in his life when the so-called Christian counselor suddenly decided it was his moral duty (albeit professionally unethical) to share this person’s moral battle with a local pastor (not this person’s pastor, even). It shattered my friend and he never truly recovered. It destroyed my friend’s family. It didn’t give God time to work (and God was already working in this person’s life).
My father, someone I would never have expected to approve of secular psychiatry, knew that I couldn’t solve the mental Sasquatch stomping on my emotions by going to a colleague, church member, or Christian counselor. But he said, “Son, you might need medication. There’s no shame in seeking out help that God has made available to you.”
Ironically, the psychiatrist that I ended up with was a believer and understood my feelings. Fortunately, he was from a “high church” background, so he didn’t know any of my colleagues. He did prescribe medication. It helps my all too active brain to slow down and balance. But before I could get the help that the medication gave, I had to verbalize what was wrong. I felt like a fraud. I felt like I couldn’t go on. I felt like I was trying to keep too many plates in the air and I kept missing them and letting them crash all around me. And then, I would feel incompetent and then, I would feel ashamed. Then, I would feel immobilized.
Once I began to admit I was affected by weather, workload, expectations, feelings of inadequacy and helplessness, I was able to look beyond some of these factors and try to figure out day-by-day what I wanted out of life. I think one of my problems was that because I couldn’t grasp the whole picture of where I was going, I just collapsed inside. I would make these brave little forays into getting this done or that done, meeting this deadline or that, but I never felt in control.
So, the first step out of depression is just talking honestly about how useless, ashamed, frustrated, and immobilized you feel. As Kathy Cronkite (daughter of the late newscaster and depression sufferer) wrote, “We cannot afford to be cowards. To stay silent is to perpetuate the pain, …” (p. 82)
The second step is starting to find those little things you can control. And this is where my faith has helped me. It’s no accident that so many lament psalms end in praise, thanksgiving, and sometimes forgiveness. I can’t change my feelings right away, but I can choose to verbalize praise and thanksgiving. Praise and thanksgiving are a CHOICE, not feelings, but you would be surprised how just saying them sometimes energizes those feelings and gets the endorphins going which are needed to deal with even your emotional pain.
Don’t worry. This is not Pastor Johnny’s Sacred Medicine Show. This isn’t Doctor Johnny’s Panacea for All That Ails You. It is a part of getting back to even.
The third step is diagnosing those non-essentials which are upsetting you and figuring out how to trim them. For the believer, this is part of the process of prayer. The old-fashioned word is “discernment” and it means delineating between what is good and evil, holy and unholy, useful and destructive. Christians believe the Holy Spirit helps us to do this.
The fourth step is rediscovering your bliss. What really works for you? I read an account of a famous television personality and comedy star whose husband committed suicide. She knew something was wrong when he stopped reading. Reading had been his passion and he just stopped. A movie buff who gives up going to movies, a singer who drops out of a choir, an actor who quits auditioning for plays, a pastor who quits preaching, a writer who quits writing, a gourmand who quits caring about food and wine, a golfer who doesn’t golf, a fitness buff who doesn’t go to the gym, etc. are all signs of depression. Part of rediscovering one’s bliss is re-discovering what one loves about whatever it is AND making time for it.
The fifth step is finding something meaningful. For believers, it’s finding how our spiritual gifts and talents fit into God’s Kingdom. How can we share God’s love? How can we help others? What kind of job can fulfill us and meet the needs of others?
Sir Winston Churchill had a depression problem and was even suicidal at times when he dealt with what he called a big black dog. Yet, he found ways to fight his way out whenever he thought it was important enough. In retrospect, it seemed to be his wife who pushed him enough to accomplish the things the world considered heroic but brought him out of darkness.
The Holy Spirit is the impetus by which we can be pushed to start working/fighting our way past the big black dog Churchill described. But the thing is, despite all I wrote about what the victims of depression should do, the Holy Spirit uses people. Those who experience depression don’t need someone to judge them, but some may need another believer to play the role that my Dad did in my life and say, “You know, it’s okay to seek out help, God has provided it.” Others may need another believer to say, “I know you don’t feel like making a full commitment to getting back to your old life, but don’t you think we could do this one thing you love together?” And that one thing you love doesn’t have to be some specifically church activity.
All of us know somebody (if no one else, you all know me) who experiences depression. Whether the cause might be biochemical, environmental, spiritual, physical, or some combination of several of these, these sufferers need prayer and encouragement. You might even share this article with them. Just say that it might surprise them who has a similar problem.
我知道神掌管一切而祂是全能的，但有時候我深信我是在阻礙神的計劃而不是作為成就祂計劃的器皿。我承認我曾經在深淵裡自問：“有什麼用呢？”我承認我曾懷疑我的生命有價值嗎？雖然神已賜給我很好的經驗及讓我成就了許多我想作的事。在我生命中有幾次我覺得在流沙中浮沉，我想若真的沉下去就不需要再掙扎了。
一個猶太朋友對我的低潮挑戰，他強調（真正是褻瀆的）我在我的行業中是很重要的，也是人人都認識的。但他不知道他所見到我成功的每一件事，我卻感覺是在假裝。他也不知道他看到我成就的每一件事後面，我覺得有一百萬件事我不敢或無力去嘗試。我的基督徒朋友們更差勁，他們會說一些像'神真好，永遠都好'的話，但我只想到的是神雖然是好，但我卻不很好；甚至當我想得到神的恩典時，我也覺得不配。
或者讀者中也有人不明白，我想牧師Henri Nouwen所寫的最淸楚：“我深信每一個人的苦痛是沒有其他人可以感受到的。”（Life of the Beloved, p.87)你不能從你的角度看到我為什麼會在憂鬱中受苦（是真的受苦），就正如我不能從我的角度明白你在你的痛苦、失去、懷疑、或不安全時所感受到的。
在世上很多人認為憂鬱是自憐，是假病。在美國南部有一個醫生的感受被一同事漠視了，後者說（我是直接用他的話，雖然我不想）：“憂鬱？地獄，小子，那是弱者的病！”(Kathy Cronkite, On the Edge of Darkness: Conversations About Conquering Depression, p. 79).
我知道言語不是傷口的膏药，正如瑞士心理學家Paul Tournier 所寫：“你不能用字典來釋放心靈。我們是面對生命；生命是被承受及感覺而不是被思想的東西。”（Guilt and Grace,p. 92) 但是言語仍然是可以表達我們關切的登陸灘。言語固然不足，但仍可以稍微表示我們的所在及去向。
我說過聖經清楚什麼是憂鬱，雖然它沒有說亞伯蘭憂鬱及放棄地對神說他接受了大馬色人以利以謝是承受他家業的，但他好像是說：“那有什麼分別呢？”。當以利亞從耶洗別那裡逃跑時，他是以為他的有效事工已經完蛋而向神求死（《王上》19:35）。他剛剛参予了一個最驚人的神蹟，但恐懼及絕望使他逃跑，幸好他本能使他正確地跑向神的山。
我與以利亞有同感，不是因為神在我的事工上行過神蹟，而是因為我感受到他那種當你以為神用你產生了一個突破而那突破卻好像沒有作用的感覺。以利亞剛才從天召火下來燒掉了被水濕透的祭牲（閃電的地緣？），又絕對的羞辱（並處死）了對抗他的巴力先知們。當耶洗別王后發出要殺他的命令時，他一定想“有什麼用？”，雖然神以神蹟肯定了他，但他仍然覺得他樹敵太多。
我稱這為高山-低谷綜合症，有些人聽過我講過這樣的道，就是好像我們在山峰上看到一切都很清楚，知道如何前去時卻突然間又經驗到很困難的低谷。當你以為前途渺茫、四面群山環繞很難攀登時，你很容易就會覺得舉步唯艱。
在這主題下，我們再看一個個例子。摩西在没燒毀的荊棘前被神差派，但他下山告訴家人他要作什麼事的時候，何事發生呢？不多久他的太太就生氣，割了他兒子的陽皮並將這血淋淋的東西丟到他腳下。他想要行神的旨意，但隨之而來的是憤怒詛咒的妻子及被割下（雖說是聖潔）的一片血肉。他去到埃及將神的信息傳遞了，法老卻用他的權力使以色列人的處境更加艱難。從《出埃及記》5:23我們可以看到摩西對他的使命的感受，主要是：“我作了你要我作的，而事情反而更糟糕了！”我懷疑摩西會繼續有勁，但他仍按照神的命令去行。他每次都被法老拒絕，甚至在紅海前百姓指控他要帶他們死在曠野。 （《出》14:10-12）在曠野漂流不久，摩西就舉起雙手向神問他可以作什麼呢？因為百姓想要殺他。 （《出》17:4）百姓好像用任何藉口去攻擊摩西。若我是摩西，我相當確定會留在帳幕里或在山上而不會跟那些經常在路旁抨擊我的人在一起。我們見到摩西的絕望但看不到他的憂鬱，我相信這肯定存在，但我想他只是緊抓著神而繼續堅持下去，雖然他會埋怨及憤怒。
一個研究院的同學得著我渴求的獎學金，他還與一教授合作寫書，更在比我好的周末教會任職。他的長處如高山，他應該覺得前途無限。但當他預備博士學位面試時，他看到的高山是，每個教授都可以在各個半日考試中提問任何問題，這令他感到非常大的壓力，叫他寸步難行。他進了精神病院一段時間，他出院之後陸續返回家中及教會，但沒有回去繼續他的博士課程。為什麼這麼難？他所看到的前途，本會給他光明及喜樂的目標，如今卻竟然變得難以達到。我所知的是，他後來覺得牧會及家庭更能給他喜樂，而無能及絕望的感覺令他放棄他的雄心壯志。
再回到聖經的人物，約伯又怎樣呢？他什麼都有：財富，名聲，家庭，及（最少是‘好景時的）朋友。他被人看為是信心的模範。但到了第三章他就有自殺的念頭了。他詛咒自己的生日，又願自己沒被生下來（3:3，11，16，23）請特別留意23節中什麼都曾有的約伯問神為什麼會給他生命，然後又令他四面受困呢！ 。
這也是我的神學教職之門因宗派政治而被（暫時）關閉時我對神呼召的感覺。我做了一切應做的：我從學生們的反應知道我的教學非常有效，但是好像我一生多年所投資的結果是個死胡同。我退縮，我嘗試不再事奉，我想自殺，我更進一步到憂鬱的另一原因——羞恥。
但我們不要忘了可憐的約伯。他如何能得以回到正常狀態呢？他面對神，但在這之前，他要先聽取那些從神秘主義出發的辯論，說他需要更多尋求神；他聽到從歷史的角度來思考人力能改變事情；他也聽到傳統宗教的論點，說他只要認罪就會好過一些。他在三十多章中站穩自己的立場跟他們辯論，他誠實的抗議及反駁，他指控那些來安慰他的人使情況更糟糕。我相信他若活在今天，很多教會的’好‘會友會遠避他，但神卻看他寶貴，要將他從下滑的旋渦中救上來。面對神的真實，甚至是以風暴等自然現象化妝的背後，是不容易的，但神卻把他救活了。對某些人來說，罪疚感可能是憂鬱的原因之一，甚至是不自覺的，可能只是覺得沒有盡上對某人或某群體的責任。對另一些人而言，會是羞恥之心。在此我想很簡短的分辨罪感及恥感的不同，Kathy Escobar 曾在一本有關的靈修書引述Brene Brown 所說的：“罪感是’我做了不好的事’，而恥感則是’我不好’”。“（A Weary World: Reflections of a Blue Christmas, p.42).
若你仔細的讀，很多詩篇是以描述絶望及憂鬱的情景開始但以寬恕及拯救的確據作結束，詩人好像找到了穩固的立足點，例如在69篇詩人寫著：你，你完全知道我如何被辱罵，我的羞恥和我的侮辱，我的所有敵人都在你的面前，（20）辱罵傷透了我的意志（心），我很不適；於是我尋求安慰，但找不到，我尋找安慰者，但也找不著（21）。（按Pastor Johnny的翻譯）
但最後詩人應許要讚美感謝神，他心中大概不會覺得好很多，但他作了一個明確的決定要專注於神且相信神會幫助。這是這類詩篇中重複出現的，這也是約拿在大魚裡面禱告的模式。 （《拿》2）。
但是我們不能説一句好像汽車保護槓貼紙上説的‘耶穌是答案’就了事。正如Escobar很好的分享：”雖然我相信耶穌是偉大的羞恥毀滅者，那樣的回應常常會增加羞恥並意味著若我們行得對就不會有那些感覺了，但情況不是那麼簡單。要解除羞恥的初步方法之一是誠實，跟一些安全的人承認它的存在，這些人不會改造你，不會輕視事實，也不會論斷你。“（p.43)
能講出我們的感受跟在教會中所說的認罪很相近。不幸的是認罪是包含了承認我們的罪的思想。這是一部分，但我們也要公開承認我們與神的關係（不應該是負面的）。這也應包括分享我們的感受（可以是正面或負面的，但不應被審斷）。
當我以前看自己是失敗者的時候，我最不想要的是另一個牧師給我的輔導，我也不相信要見一個所謂基督徒的輔導員，因為我認識一個人，當他正要超越一個道德問題時，他的所謂基督徒輔導員突然決定他的道德責任（但職業道德上是不可以的）是要跟一個當地的牧師（不是他個人的牧師）說出他的道德問題。就這樣，我的朋友被擊碎了，不能完全恢復過來。這也毀了他的家，更沒有給神動工的時間（神已經在他的生命中工作）
家父是我永不相信他會認同世俗精神病醫生的人，但當他知道我不會去找同道,會友,或基督徒輔導員來解決我的心理問題時，他說：“我兒，或許你需要藥物。去找神為你預備的幫助不是羞恥的事情。”。
最諷刺的是我找到的精神科醫生是一個信徒而他明白我的感受。可幸的是他的教會背景與我不同，所以他完全不認識我的同僚們。他給我藥物，幫助我太活躍的腦袋靜下來維持平衡。但在我接受藥物的幫助之前，我需要説出我的問題。我覺得我是假冒的，無法繼續下去了，情況好像我扔了太多碟子在空中而不能一一接住，以致碟子都在我四周摔碎了，然後我覺得自己無能，感到羞愧，無法繼續活動。當我開始承認我會被氣候,工作量,期望,自覺不足及無助的情緒影響時，我就可以看清楚我每天除了這些因素之外，我可以如何達到我想要活出的自己。我的問題是我看不清我的去向的整個圖景，以致我往內裡坍塌。我只是勇敢地做這做那，趕交這趕交那，但永不覺得有掌控權。
所以要脫離憂鬱的第一步是誠實地説出你自己的無能、羞恥、挫敗及不能活動的感覺。正如Kathy Cronkite (前新聞報導員及憂鬱症患者的女兒）所寫的：”我們不能退縮，保持靜默就是增長痛苦⋯”(p.82).
第二步是開始找出你能掌控的一些小事情，這是我的信仰能夠幫助我的地方。很多詩篇哀歌最後是讃美感謝或寬恕，這不是偶然的。我不能立刻改變我的無助感，但我可以選擇說出讚美感謝的話。讚美和感謝是你的選擇，不是感覺，但你會詫異你說出來的話有時會令你的情緒變得有勁，也令你的內腓肽出來應付你的情緒的痛苦。
不要擔心，這不是Pastor Johnny 在賣膏藥，也不是Dr. Johnny 的萬能療法，這只是讓問題回歸正軌的一部分。
第三步是診斷出那些令你不開心的無關緊要的東西，然後找出如何減少它們的方法。對信徒而言，這是禱告過程的一部分。古老的詞彙就是‘洞察’，意思是分辨好壞，聖潔與否，有用或有害等，基督徒相信聖靈會幫助我們分辨。
第四步是重新發現你的福氣。什麼真正對你有作用呢？我讀過一個故事是有關一個電視名喜劇明星的，她的夫婿自殺了。她察覺他出問題是他停止了閱讀。他以前很喜歡閱讀，但他突然停止了。一個常看電影的人突然不看電影，一個歌者不再去唱詩班，一個演員不去試演，一個牧師不再講道，一個作家不再寫作,一個美食家不再關心飲食，一個高爾夫球能手不再打高爾夫球，一個健身人士不再去健身室
…… 這些都是憂鬱症的症狀。重新發現你的福氣就是重新發現你所喜愛的，無論是什麼，然後找時間去做。
第五步是找一些有意義的事情。對信徒而言，是找出我們的屬靈恩賜及怎樣能用在神的國度裡的才能。我們可以如何分享神的愛？我們可以如何幫助別人？什麼工作能叫我們滿足又能幫助人的需要？
Sir Winston Churchill 有抑鬱的問題，甚至曾有自殺念頭，他稱之為一隻大黑狗。然而，在必要情況下他有辦法打開一條生路。回頭看，也可能是他的太太把他從黑暗中推出去，以致他能成就全世界都認為是英勇的成就。聖靈是能夠推動我們前進並打退Churchill 所謂的大黑狗的動力。但重要的是，雖然我㝍了很多患者應做的事，但聖靈更會使用人。患者不需要別人的論斷，但有些人或許需要另一信徒扮演我父親的角色提示，就是說： “知道嗎，你可以尋求幫助，因為是神供應的。” 另一些人可能需要另一信徒說： “我知道你不覺得你能完全恢復過來，但我們可以一起做這件我們都喜愛的事嗎？” 那樣的事不一定是教會的活動。
我們都認識一些（最少你認識我）經歷憂鬱的人，無論原因是什麼，生化的，處境的，靈性的，身體的，或幾種以上原因的，他們都需要禱告及勉勵。你甚至可以給他們分享這篇文章，只要告訴他，他可能會驚異某某人也有同樣的問題。
Johnny L. Wilson
Down in the Valley
Does Depression Mean I’ve Lost My Faith?
Many people believe that it is impossible for a person of authentic faith to experience depression. They reason that because two of the fruits of the Holy Spirit are joy and peace, we shouldn’t ever be, respectively, down or upset. Those people don’t know the Bible. I wrote about depression in the June Quarterly for 2019, but I cowardly called it discouragement. The principles that I shared in that article apply to depression and I wrote it from some of my personal experience.
I know God is in charge and I know God can do anything, but there have been times when I was convinced that I was more of an obstacle to God’s plan than a vessel serving God’s plan. I confess that I have even been so low in the canyon that I asked, “What’s the use?” I confess that I questioned whether my life mattered. All of this despite the fact that God has given me wonderful experiences and allowed me to accomplish a lot of the things that I always wanted to do. I have had several times in my life when I felt like I was drowning in quicksand and I just wanted to be swallowed up so that I wouldn’t have to deal with it anymore.
I have a Jewish friend who challenged my low spirits by insisting (rather profanely, actually) that I was a force to be reckoned with in my field and everyone knew me. He didn’t understand that for everything he saw where I was successful, I felt like a fraud. He didn’t understand that for everything he saw that I had accomplished, I felt there were a million more tasks that I felt too inadequate or too tired to even start working on. My Christian friends were even worse. They offered variants of “God is good! All the time, God is good!” But all I could think of was that God may be good, but I wasn’t particularly good and even when I wanted God’s goodness to come to me, I just felt guilt or shame.
Even some of you reading this article may not understand this. Yet, I think the reality is best described by a priest named Henri Nouwen, when he wrote: “I am deeply convinced that each human being suffers in a way no other human being suffers.” (Life of the Beloved, p. 87) You don’t have the perspective to understand why I might suffer depression (and it is suffering), even as I don’t have the perspective to understand why you might suffer pain, loss, doubt, or insecurity in your life.
In the secular world, a lot of people dismiss depression as self-indulgence, a fake disease. One doctor in the Southern United States had his feelings dismissed by a colleague who said (and I quote him exactly though I prefer not to use such language), “Depression? Hell, boy, that’s wimp disease!” (Kathy Cronkite, On the Edge of Darkness: Conversations About Conquering Depression, p. 79)
And I know words don’t salve the wounds. As the Swiss psychologist, Paul Tournier, wrote: “You do not relieve minds with dictionaries. We are dealing with life; and life is something which is borne and felt rather than thought.” (Guilt and Grace, p. 92) Yet, words are the markers by which we establish a beachhead to show that we care. Words aren’t enough, but words are an early indicator of where we are and where we want to be.
But I said that the Bible understood about depression. While it doesn’t say that Abram is depressed and giving up when he says to God that he would just settle for Eliezer of Damascus for his heir, it sounds like a “What’s the difference?” moment to me. When Elijah runs away from Jezebel, he assumes his effective ministry is over and begs God to kill him (I Kings 19:3-5). He had just been part of one of the most amazing miracles ever, but fear and desperation caused him to run away. The only good part was that he was instinctively running toward the mountain of God.
I can identify with Elijah not because God has worked miracles in my ministry but because I can identify with those feelings of helplessness when you think God has used you to create a breakthrough and then, it seems like said breakthrough had no effect. Elijah just called down fire from heaven to consume a sacrifice soaked with water (grounding for lightning?) and utterly humiliated (and executed) the rival priests of Baal. “What’s the use?” he must have thought when Queen Jezebel put out a death warrant on him and, despite God’s vindication in miracle, the numbers were still against him.
I call this Mountain-Valley Syndrome and some have heard me preach on it before. It seems that ever mountain-top, bird’s-eye view perspective where one thinks one understands exactly where one is going is followed almost immediately by some dismal experience in a valley. When that future you’ve seen called into question disappears so that all you can see is the difficult and dangerous peaks to climb around you, it’s easy to feel miserable about continuing the journey.
While we’re on that theme, let’s consider other examples. Moses is commissioned by God at the bush burning and not consumed. What happens when he comes down off the mountain and tells his family what he’s going to do? Before they get very far, his wife gets angry, performs an impromptu circumcision and throws the bloody foreskin of his son at his feet. Here he is trying to do God’s will and he ends up with a cursing, angry wife and a mutilated (although technically holy) piece of flesh. He gets to Egypt and delivers his message and Pharaoh uses his tyrannical powers to make things even worse for Israel. Look how Moses feels about his mission in Exodus 5:25. It’s essentially, “I did what You said and things got worse.” I doubt Moses was feeling very energized, but he kept following God’s instructions. He undergoes rejection after rejection by Pharaoh. And even just before the crossing of the Reed Sea, the people accuse him of bringing them out in the desert to kill them (Exodus 14:10-12). Early on in the desert wandering, Moses throws up his hands and asks God what he can possibly do because the people want to kill him (Exodus 17:4), It seems like the people used any excuse to turn on Moses. If I had been Moses, I’m pretty sure I would rather have spent time in the tent or on the mountain rather than around all of my roadside critics. Outside of Moses’ desperation, though, we don’t necessarily see depression. I think it had to be there. I think he just hung onto God and kept going—even though there is evidence of him becoming grumpy and angry.
One of my colleagues in graduate school had the graduate fellowship (assistantship) that I wished I had had, collaborated with one of our professors on his book series, and had a better weekend church position than I had. From the mountain of these advantages, the horizon was his for the taking. But as he prepared for his preliminary (qualifying) examinations, he looked at the difficult climbs of taking half-day exams in every subject area where the professor could ask ANYTHING in the entire subject and it became a weight that pulled him down. He just couldn’t move. He just couldn’t function. He spent time in a mental institution. He came back to his family and church, but never made it back to the doctoral program. What was so overwhelming? That view of where he thought he was going, that destination that seemed to give him light and joy, suddenly seemed denied to him. My understanding is that he found more joy in his pastorate and in his family after that, but the inertia of feelings of inadequacy and hopelessness shut down his ambition.
But back to characters in the Bible. How about Job? Job had it all: wealth, prestige, family, and (at least, “fair weather”) friends. He is looked upon elsewhere as a model of faith. Yet, he gets suicidal as early as Chapter 3. He curses the anniversary of his birth and wishes he had never been born (3:3, 11, 16, 23). Pay particular attention to verse 23 where Job who once had it all asks why God would bother to give life to a person and then hedge them into a no-win situation.
I know that’s the way I felt about my calling when denominational politics closed the door (temporarily) on my theological teaching career. I had done all I was supposed to do; I could tell from my students that I was effective; and I had invested many years of my life only to hit this apparent dead end. I withdrew into myself. I tried to leave the ministry. I had suicidal thoughts. And I progressed into another cause of depression—shame.
But let’s not forget poor Job. How did he get back to functional? He was confronted by God. But before he was confronted by God, he had to listen to those who argued from mysticism that he needed to attune himself to God, to those who argued from history that human effort could turn things around, and to those who argued from traditional religion that if he just confessed his sin, he’d feel okay. Through 30+ chapters he stands up to their arguments with honest protests and misgivings. He accuses his comforters of making things worse. I’m pretty sure he would have been shunned by “good” church members today, but God thought he was worthwhile enough to pull him out of his downward spiral. Facing God’s reality, disguised in natural phenomenon like a storm as it was, wasn’t easy, but it brought him back to life.
For some people, there is some guilt that contributes to their depression. It may not even be conscious guilt—just a feeling that one has let someone or some group down. For others, there is a sense of shame. I like a quick distinction between guilt and shame that Kathy Escobar quoted in a devotional book about Advent of all things. She quotes Brene Brown as saying, “’Guilt is ‘I did something bad’ while shame is ‘I am bad.’” (A Weary World: Reflections for a Blue Christmas, p. 42.
If you read carefully, a lot of the psalms that start off describing desperate and depressing circumstances end with an assurance of forgiveness or deliverance. It is like the psalmist again finds solid footing. For example, the poet writes in Psalm 69 [Pastor Johnny’s Translation]:
19/20 You, You know [all about] my being taunted and my shame,
my disgrace, all my opponents [are] right in front of You.
20/21 Taunts have shattered my will [“heart”] and I am ill;
so I looked for condolences but there weren’t any,
and for comforters, but I couldn’t find them.
But at the end, the poet promises praise and thanksgiving. He probably didn’t feel much better inside, but he made a positive decision to focus on God and expect God to help. This is a recurring pattern in such psalms. We even see it when Jonah prays from the insides of a “great fish” (Jonah 2).
Yet, we can’t just offer the bumper stick prescription that “Jesus is the answer.” As Escobar cogently shares: “While I believe Jesus is the great shame destroyer, that response often perpetuates more shame and implies if we behaved properly, we wouldn’t feel what we’re feeling. It’s not that simple. One of the first steps in loosening shame’s grip is acknowledging it with safe people who won’t fix, minimize, or judge—to practice honesty.” (p. 43)
To be able to say what we’re feeling is close to what we mean by “confession” in the church. Unfortunately, the idea of “confession” has been co-opted by the idea of admitting our sins. That’s part of it, but we are also supposed to “confess” aloud our relationship to God (and that shouldn’t be negative). It can also simply mean to share our feelings (which could be negative or positive, but shouldn’t be judged).
When I saw myself as a failure, the last thing I wanted to do was get counseling from a fellow pastor. And I didn’t trust seeing a so-called Christian counselor because I knew a person who was winning a moral battle in his life when the so-called Christian counselor suddenly decided it was his moral duty (albeit professionally unethical) to share this person’s moral battle with a local pastor (not this person’s pastor, even). It shattered my friend and he never truly recovered. It destroyed my friend’s family. It didn’t give God time to work (and God was already working in this person’s life).
My father, someone I would never have expected to approve of secular psychiatry, knew that I couldn’t solve the mental Sasquatch stomping on my emotions by going to a colleague, church member, or Christian counselor. But he said, “Son, you might need medication. There’s no shame in seeking out help that God has made available to you.”
Ironically, the psychiatrist that I ended up with was a believer and understood my feelings. Fortunately, he was from a “high church” background, so he didn’t know any of my colleagues. He did prescribe medication. It helps my all too active brain to slow down and balance. But before I could get the help that the medication gave, I had to verbalize what was wrong. I felt like a fraud. I felt like I couldn’t go on. I felt like I was trying to keep too many plates in the air and I kept missing them and letting them crash all around me. And then, I would feel incompetent and then, I would feel ashamed. Then, I would feel immobilized.
Once I began to admit I was affected by weather, workload, expectations, feelings of inadequacy and helplessness, I was able to look beyond some of these factors and try to figure out day-by-day what I wanted out of life. I think one of my problems was that because I couldn’t grasp the whole picture of where I was going, I just collapsed inside. I would make these brave little forays into getting this done or that done, meeting this deadline or that, but I never felt in control.
So, the first step out of depression is just talking honestly about how useless, ashamed, frustrated, and immobilized you feel. As Kathy Cronkite (daughter of the late newscaster and depression sufferer) wrote, “We cannot afford to be cowards. To stay silent is to perpetuate the pain, …” (p. 82)
The second step is starting to find those little things you can control. And this is where my faith has helped me. It’s no accident that so many lament psalms end in praise, thanksgiving, and sometimes forgiveness. I can’t change my feelings right away, but I can choose to verbalize praise and thanksgiving. Praise and thanksgiving are a CHOICE, not feelings, but you would be surprised how just saying them sometimes energizes those feelings and gets the endorphins going which are needed to deal with even your emotional pain.
Don’t worry. This is not Pastor Johnny’s Sacred Medicine Show. This isn’t Doctor Johnny’s Panacea for All That Ails You. It is a part of getting back to even.
The third step is diagnosing those non-essentials which are upsetting you and figuring out how to trim them. For the believer, this is part of the process of prayer. The old-fashioned word is “discernment” and it means delineating between what is good and evil, holy and unholy, useful and destructive. Christians believe the Holy Spirit helps us to do this.
The fourth step is rediscovering your bliss. What really works for you? I read an account of a famous television personality and comedy star whose husband committed suicide. She knew something was wrong when he stopped reading. Reading had been his passion and he just stopped. A movie buff who gives up going to movies, a singer who drops out of a choir, an actor who quits auditioning for plays, a pastor who quits preaching, a writer who quits writing, a gourmand who quits caring about food and wine, a golfer who doesn’t golf, a fitness buff who doesn’t go to the gym, etc. are all signs of depression. Part of rediscovering one’s bliss is re-discovering what one loves about whatever it is AND making time for it.
The fifth step is finding something meaningful. For believers, it’s finding how our spiritual gifts and talents fit into God’s Kingdom. How can we share God’s love? How can we help others? What kind of job can fulfill us and meet the needs of others?
Sir Winston Churchill had a depression problem and was even suicidal at times when he dealt with what he called a big black dog. Yet, he found ways to fight his way out whenever he thought it was important enough. In retrospect, it seemed to be his wife who pushed him enough to accomplish the things the world considered heroic but brought him out of darkness.
The Holy Spirit is the impetus by which we can be pushed to start working/fighting our way past the big black dog Churchill described. But the thing is, despite all I wrote about what the victims of depression should do, the Holy Spirit uses people. Those who experience depression don’t need someone to judge them, but some may need another believer to play the role that my Dad did in my life and say, “You know, it’s okay to seek out help, God has provided it.” Others may need another believer to say, “I know you don’t feel like making a full commitment to getting back to your old life, but don’t you think we could do this one thing you love together?” And that one thing you love doesn’t have to be some specifically church activity.
All of us know somebody (if no one else, you all know me) who experiences depression. Whether the cause might be biochemical, environmental, spiritual, physical, or some combination of several of these, these sufferers need prayer and encouragement. You might even share this article with them. Just say that it might surprise them who has a similar problem.